Down in the Valley

We were so excited not 3 weeks ago..I was preggers!!!! Barely a week had passed and I started to bleed. It seemed like spotting..but it was bright. All very scary.. to see blood. After a very long long 2 wks and many blood draws it was confirmed that I had in fact miscarried. Such a roller coaster! One day I would think I was doing ok..the next I was a wreck imagining it was all over. There definitely is something to be said about truth. Truth does set you free!

I grieved for a couple of days..and though I am still waiting for it all to be over with..I have peace. Knowing the truth has allowed me to stop worrying, to focus on my family more, to stop being so self focused. It allowed me to release this baby into Jesus' safe keeping.

It is so amazing how we can love so quickly something that cannot even be seen, heard, or felt. But  the moment that pregnancy test says positive..you are absolutely in love with the wee baby growing inside of you. How amazing is the gift God has given us..to create life. How much more must he love us as he has created each and every one of us.

Though the past few weeks have been rough. My faith has seen me through. God has amazing plans for me, whatever they may be. I trust that implicitly! He has blessed me with a wonderful husband, three beautiful children, a home, wonderful friends, and family.

Though this baby did not make it...I praise Jesus amidst my sadness. This song by Caedmons Call says it perfectly! Click here to hear it.

3. A Favorite TV program

Well I have shows I like to watch..but nothing compares to real life medical shows. I love to watch anything on Discovery Health!!! It is all so fascinating to me..from the medical emergencies in the ER to the programs about women and pregnancy to strange but real stories about people who have overcome massive injury or are born with diseases. I wanted to be a nurse..and would still want to be if it were not for the risk. When I started nursing at the Bellingham Tech. I did great at first....until the day I had to sign the paperwork saying that I would not sue the school if I were stuck with a needle and got a disease...ummm well..no. I could not even imagine! Part was all I had ever seen in my future was having a family. Marriage and Babies! I felt I was putting it all at risk!
So I do not have DHC and can no longer spend my down time watching surgeries, broken limbs, blood..lol..but if I could..yep I would. I would live vicariously through those that are willing to take the risk that I am unwilling to make. :)

2. A Favorite Movie

Hmmmm this is a hard one for me. I like movies..but I dont care all that much about them. I love Youve Got Mail..but I dont know if I can say its my favorite..I also love Gone with the Wind, and Meet me in St. Louis, and many other movies. I dont watch movies that often though. If I have to say explicitly what my favorite is....its Youve Got Mail. It makes me think of fall..and I love fall. 

"Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address" 

I have a favorite flaw in the movie as well..when they go to the cocktail party..Joe Fox looks over and sees Kathleen Kelly..she is supposedly talking with a group of people and is pretending to talk...but you can see it and you can hear it that what she is actually saying is "fox fox fox.." Next time you watch it you have to find it..it makes me laugh every time..its so obvious! :)

 

1. A Favorite Song

Hmmm well I think it hands down is Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole. Its not a song I could listen to all the time..but it just gives me chills when I do. Its just beautiful!!! Listen to it here on Youtube. :)

30 days..stolen from my sister in law..

30 days

I found this list online of blog ideas, and I thought it'd be fun to try. This is mostly for my writing practice. Read it, don't read it, I don't really care. These won't be done every day, but as often as I can find the time. Enjoy!

Day 1 - a favorite song
Day 2 - a favorite movie
Day 3 - a favorite television program
Day 4 - a favorite book
Day 5 - a favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

books books books....

Really this is just a random post..! I am a huge huge book lover!!! If I was a super lazy person..didnt have kids etc..i would literally sit around and read all the time! I love to escape to some other time or place..be another person..let my imagination draw pictures or where and what is happening in a book!

I remember my mom having us read for 30 min, when I was a kid. Im sure it was more of a way for her to keep her sanity..but I truly think it instilled a huge love of reading into me. I really really hope my kids will feel the same.

How to teach a child to like themselves while disliking yourself..

Sorry..not a very friendly or inviting topic I know...

Lately when I tell Ruby what a pretty/beautiful girl she is she responds by turning her head and whining. So all day I've been teaching her to say thank you when someone gives her a compliment. I think she is catching on...but am I helping her to have self confidence? Or am I simply teaching her a response.

Jason chastises me as I cant stand compliments of any kind. I see what I look like in the mirror...eww! But even that doesnt matter...even when I was young and thin I couldnt stand myself. Ive never had any self confidence to speak of. When I was a pre-pubescent kid I was uber thin..you could see my ribs, my hair was scraggly, and my teeth can you say Snaggle tooth! Once puberty hit I filled out very quickly..curves, large ta-ta's..bubble booty..hips. Hips.. is what I remember the most..I did gymnastics and I hated too see my legs in my leotard..id look at them as I walked out for a meet and just want them to go far far away.

In my twentys I slowly started to gain here and there..but I was never heavy until after Jason and I started dating. There was something wrong with me though. I could go days on end feeling hungry no matter how much I ate..it was a sickness that would haunt me. I saw my body getting thicker..larger..curvier but in the wrong directions. So id eat in hiding out of embarrassment( but not knowing what else to do) ..drive through places eat in the car and dispose of the evidence. All of this hardly helped my self esteem.

After Jason and I got married I switched Dr's for the first time in my life..Dr. G kept telling me I was fine (pre-teen on)..just needed to exercise more and take meds for anxiety. So I did..and I did..and I did..but nothing changed. So as I said I switched to Dr. S. He took one look at me and said go get your thyroid checked. Wow..go figure I did in fact have a problem..one that id most likely been dealing with since I was around 10yrs old. Rawr! I know Dr's are fallible, but after years and years of what they deemed hypochondria, anxiety, and just laziness..you think they would have checked for some other reason I was the way I was.

All this to say...my self esteem was and has always been in the crapper because of these body issues. When I turned 30 I had my cholesterol checked since both of my parents have issues. Woo hoo so did I. I came home in a panic...I have babies..I cant die this young..I dont want to have a heart attack!!!!!! I quit eating everything...I only allowed myself 1000 calories a day..if that. I wouldnt even look at food I knew I couldnt have..it wasnt worth the risk. 6mo after all that id lost close to 60lbs and was swiftly pulled into extreme anxiety. So I was almost a sz 10 but a petrified mess. I never got to enjoy it...I was miserable. I went in to my endocrinologist and my thyroid was fine...ugh!!!!! Why?! Grrr. Fine!

So I start taking meds for anxiety and become numb to everything..no emotion..no cares..we decided to get preggers and did immediately. I was working out and planning on doing so my entire pregnancy..but at 8wks I had a bleed and found out that I had a complete previa..so I quit working out and didnt care as I was numb anyway..and just sat on my butt in bed rest land and got fat. So here I am almost 3yrs later..just got off a med that had awful side effects..including gaining 15lbs in 2months..woo hoo!! Self esteem where are you..oh yeah its hiding..oh wait it doesnt exist! So blah blah blah..now you know why I cant stand to look at myself..

So now does this person (me) raise up my girls and son to like themselves? Teaching them how to react to compliments is all I have right now. There is so much more to parenting then I think I ever realized..I am my kids first view of so many things...such a scary thing. How does a parent do it all and yet still have problems themselves..that could end up being mirrored by their children. Help!