1. A Favorite Song

Hmmm well I think it hands down is Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole. Its not a song I could listen to all the time..but it just gives me chills when I do. Its just beautiful!!! Listen to it here on Youtube. :)

30 days..stolen from my sister in law..

30 days

I found this list online of blog ideas, and I thought it'd be fun to try. This is mostly for my writing practice. Read it, don't read it, I don't really care. These won't be done every day, but as often as I can find the time. Enjoy!

Day 1 - a favorite song
Day 2 - a favorite movie
Day 3 - a favorite television program
Day 4 - a favorite book
Day 5 - a favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

books books books....

Really this is just a random post..! I am a huge huge book lover!!! If I was a super lazy person..didnt have kids etc..i would literally sit around and read all the time! I love to escape to some other time or place..be another person..let my imagination draw pictures or where and what is happening in a book!

I remember my mom having us read for 30 min, when I was a kid. Im sure it was more of a way for her to keep her sanity..but I truly think it instilled a huge love of reading into me. I really really hope my kids will feel the same.

How to teach a child to like themselves while disliking yourself..

Sorry..not a very friendly or inviting topic I know...

Lately when I tell Ruby what a pretty/beautiful girl she is she responds by turning her head and whining. So all day I've been teaching her to say thank you when someone gives her a compliment. I think she is catching on...but am I helping her to have self confidence? Or am I simply teaching her a response.

Jason chastises me as I cant stand compliments of any kind. I see what I look like in the mirror...eww! But even that doesnt matter...even when I was young and thin I couldnt stand myself. Ive never had any self confidence to speak of. When I was a pre-pubescent kid I was uber thin..you could see my ribs, my hair was scraggly, and my teeth can you say Snaggle tooth! Once puberty hit I filled out very quickly..curves, large ta-ta's..bubble booty..hips. Hips.. is what I remember the most..I did gymnastics and I hated too see my legs in my leotard..id look at them as I walked out for a meet and just want them to go far far away.

In my twentys I slowly started to gain here and there..but I was never heavy until after Jason and I started dating. There was something wrong with me though. I could go days on end feeling hungry no matter how much I ate..it was a sickness that would haunt me. I saw my body getting thicker..larger..curvier but in the wrong directions. So id eat in hiding out of embarrassment( but not knowing what else to do) ..drive through places eat in the car and dispose of the evidence. All of this hardly helped my self esteem.

After Jason and I got married I switched Dr's for the first time in my life..Dr. G kept telling me I was fine (pre-teen on)..just needed to exercise more and take meds for anxiety. So I did..and I did..and I did..but nothing changed. So as I said I switched to Dr. S. He took one look at me and said go get your thyroid checked. Wow..go figure I did in fact have a problem..one that id most likely been dealing with since I was around 10yrs old. Rawr! I know Dr's are fallible, but after years and years of what they deemed hypochondria, anxiety, and just laziness..you think they would have checked for some other reason I was the way I was.

All this to say...my self esteem was and has always been in the crapper because of these body issues. When I turned 30 I had my cholesterol checked since both of my parents have issues. Woo hoo so did I. I came home in a panic...I have babies..I cant die this young..I dont want to have a heart attack!!!!!! I quit eating everything...I only allowed myself 1000 calories a day..if that. I wouldnt even look at food I knew I couldnt have..it wasnt worth the risk. 6mo after all that id lost close to 60lbs and was swiftly pulled into extreme anxiety. So I was almost a sz 10 but a petrified mess. I never got to enjoy it...I was miserable. I went in to my endocrinologist and my thyroid was fine...ugh!!!!! Why?! Grrr. Fine!

So I start taking meds for anxiety and become numb to everything..no emotion..no cares..we decided to get preggers and did immediately. I was working out and planning on doing so my entire pregnancy..but at 8wks I had a bleed and found out that I had a complete previa..so I quit working out and didnt care as I was numb anyway..and just sat on my butt in bed rest land and got fat. So here I am almost 3yrs later..just got off a med that had awful side effects..including gaining 15lbs in 2months..woo hoo!! Self esteem where are you..oh yeah its hiding..oh wait it doesnt exist! So blah blah blah..now you know why I cant stand to look at myself..

So now does this person (me) raise up my girls and son to like themselves? Teaching them how to react to compliments is all I have right now. There is so much more to parenting then I think I ever realized..I am my kids first view of so many things...such a scary thing. How does a parent do it all and yet still have problems themselves..that could end up being mirrored by their children. Help!

Struggles...

Life is such a thing of wonder..Jason has been unemployed for the past 8months. Im sure you (those who amazingly take the time to read my blog) probably think "that sucks" "that must be really hard" "how are they managing"..all valid. Ive had my own moments of freak out and self-indulged complaints and whining about our situation..it sure doesnt take much for me to put it into perspective. We are not homeless..we are still able, thanks to the state of washington, to get groceries and because of student loans and unemployment we can still pay our bills. We are not suffering..other than from small bouts of worry.

There are so many people out there though that have it so much worse. A girl who used to be in our MOP's group lost her baby 6months ago to SIDS. I have been reading her blog and have marveled at her faith through her suffering. Her willingness to share her grief, her struggles, and lo and behold her joy intermixed with her grief. She is pregnant with her 3rd child..a sweet girl..I am so so happy for her. I know it is what I would do if I were in the same situation. A new baby would not heal my wounds..but it would help...a new baby would not replace the child lost..but it would sure help.

Ive also been reading a blog about another local child who has cancer in the brain and possibly down the spine. This baby is only 18months...that is the same age as my baby. There are no words.

So yeah...we are in a rough spot...but nothing in comparison to what so many others are facing...In truth we are blessed. Blessed with our family, our health, and even blessed with the lack of income and health insurance. Life it is what it is..and God is in control

Feetloaf, beetloaf.... I hate Feetloaf!!!!

So really...my feet..they are the worlds ugliest feet!!!! They are short..fat..and so wide! They have always caused me issues..never can find shoes, shoes that fit correctly. They are usually too long but toooooo narrow! So I have to tie them so tight they cause the circulation on the top of my feet to be cut off and within a short amount of time my feet are numb. Then there is the incessant rubbing..my heals have had millions of blisters and my toes..oh my poor toes have been so squished that they have calluses..where technically calluses should not be. ugh! So after year so searching I have finally found shoes...they fit the width..but not quite the length since of course one foot is longer than the other. Now im searching for heel supports that will make up for the length and yet not give me blisters. However..one good thing is the Tennis shoes I did buy..feel fabulous!!! The only crap thing is..is that they freaking look orthodic like..what the heck is up with that! And why would they make wider tennis shoes but not make the side of the instep cut in like normal tennis shoes..so instead they look super thick. I decided vanity is pretty low on my list as a mom of 3 who isnt exactly physically attractive anyway. So im settling for comfort..orthotic like or not im gonna take it! Just imagine constant blisters on your heel...ill take a life without them!!!!!! Oompa loompa..ugly hobbit feet...guess I just get to deal with you!

Growing up is hard to do....

As one of 6 kids I have experienced the many different of personality temperaments of my siblings. Been through the strife of arguments with all siblings and with my parents. Truly annoying and not fun at all...but still just a part of life..especially life wherein you are intimately involved with people on a daily basis. Like any child I have been frustrated with my own  parents at one point or another..whether it was justified or not. But, now that I am an adult..simply put..its different.

When you are a child..you obey your mom and dad (well you try anyway), you try to avoid their censure and do your best to please them. But as an adult..they are still your parents but they are no longer in 'control'. They will always have a point of advice to how you should do something..from raising your children to how to wash your car. Sometimes we will ask for it and sometimes we dont. :D

One of the things I have been pondering is how as children do we deal with our parents when we somehow do not feel our needs met, have our feelings hurt, or just dont get how a relationship with our parents work once we are grownups. I have had friends or known people to be so angry at their parents for causing them to have hurt emotions or somehow not meeting needs one way or another. And I wont lie..there have been times where I have even had the same feelings. Though I have never questioned the validity of these feelings or emotions whether they were mine or anothers.I have been questioning the validity or reasoning behind them. This is where I have ended up...

When we are kids..essentially our parents can do no wrong..when we are adults..we see that they are in fact fallible and human just as everyone else is. The Bible says to honor your Mother and your Father. And as annoying as it might be to some..that means in adulthood as well..not just when we are children.  Our parents will make mistakes and will cause us to have hurt feelings..and they will not meet our needs at times. They no longer have that 'parent to child' role to fulfill..so needs are selfish basically. Our parents have fulfilled their role and now as adults we are self-sufficient.

1 Corinthians 13:11 says; "When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things."

Something that has been bugging me..and in fact this is why I am writing this..is that I know of someone who has had hurt feelings because their parent said something sharp..but in the end apologized. The grown-up 'child' is still mulling in their hurt feelings..letting it stew into bitterness. I have thought for a long time on the validity of  their continued "feelings" and I just cannot find a reason. I cannot find any other reason than the fact that they have not put away childish things. A child resents and holds a grudge because Mom or Dad said they could not go out to a rated R movie with their friends. But an adult...should we not forgive and move on?? Im far from innocent..I too have nursed hurts and held grudges..but at one point or another I realized that these are my parents...to be treasured because not only did they give me life, cared for me etc..but these are the parents that God gave to me, to be living examples of His love. And they are the only parents I will ever have. So the question is,.... do I want to spend my adulthood being bitter, nursing hurts, and keeping grudges, or do I want to put that childish behavior away. Pretty simple answer really. And now as a parent...I hope my children will feel the same when they are grown. Hmmm how to teach that one...