Sorry..not a very friendly or inviting topic I know...
Lately when I tell Ruby what a pretty/beautiful girl she is she responds by turning her head and whining. So all day I've been teaching her to say thank you when someone gives her a compliment. I think she is catching on...but am I helping her to have self confidence? Or am I simply teaching her a response.
Jason chastises me as I cant stand compliments of any kind. I see what I look like in the mirror...eww! But even that doesnt matter...even when I was young and thin I couldnt stand myself. Ive never had any self confidence to speak of. When I was a pre-pubescent kid I was uber thin..you could see my ribs, my hair was scraggly, and my teeth can you say Snaggle tooth! Once puberty hit I filled out very quickly..curves, large ta-ta's..bubble booty..hips. Hips.. is what I remember the most..I did gymnastics and I hated too see my legs in my leotard..id look at them as I walked out for a meet and just want them to go far far away.
In my twentys I slowly started to gain here and there..but I was never heavy until after Jason and I started dating. There was something wrong with me though. I could go days on end feeling hungry no matter how much I ate..it was a sickness that would haunt me. I saw my body getting thicker..larger..curvier but in the wrong directions. So id eat in hiding out of embarrassment( but not knowing what else to do) ..drive through places eat in the car and dispose of the evidence. All of this hardly helped my self esteem.
After Jason and I got married I switched Dr's for the first time in my life..Dr. G kept telling me I was fine (pre-teen on)..just needed to exercise more and take meds for anxiety. So I did..and I did..and I did..but nothing changed. So as I said I switched to Dr. S. He took one look at me and said go get your thyroid checked. Wow..go figure I did in fact have a problem..one that id most likely been dealing with since I was around 10yrs old. Rawr! I know Dr's are fallible, but after years and years of what they deemed hypochondria, anxiety, and just laziness..you think they would have checked for some other reason I was the way I was.
All this to say...my self esteem was and has always been in the crapper because of these body issues. When I turned 30 I had my cholesterol checked since both of my parents have issues. Woo hoo so did I. I came home in a panic...I have babies..I cant die this young..I dont want to have a heart attack!!!!!! I quit eating everything...I only allowed myself 1000 calories a day..if that. I wouldnt even look at food I knew I couldnt have..it wasnt worth the risk. 6mo after all that id lost close to 60lbs and was swiftly pulled into extreme anxiety. So I was almost a sz 10 but a petrified mess. I never got to enjoy it...I was miserable. I went in to my endocrinologist and my thyroid was fine...ugh!!!!! Why?! Grrr. Fine!
So I start taking meds for anxiety and become numb to everything..no emotion..no cares..we decided to get preggers and did immediately. I was working out and planning on doing so my entire pregnancy..but at 8wks I had a bleed and found out that I had a complete previa..so I quit working out and didnt care as I was numb anyway..and just sat on my butt in bed rest land and got fat. So here I am almost 3yrs later..just got off a med that had awful side effects..including gaining 15lbs in 2months..woo hoo!! Self esteem where are you..oh yeah its hiding..oh wait it doesnt exist! So blah blah blah..now you know why I cant stand to look at myself..
So now does this person (me) raise up my girls and son to like themselves? Teaching them how to react to compliments is all I have right now. There is so much more to parenting then I think I ever realized..I am my kids first view of so many things...such a scary thing. How does a parent do it all and yet still have problems themselves..that could end up being mirrored by their children. Help!
