A Christmas Story
By Rachel Smith
June 26th 1998
Today I got married and apparently thought it would be a good idea to start a journal as well. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I felt it would be wonderful to have some sort of written proof of our life together… now as a couple and hopefully sooner than later, a family.
Our wedding was beautiful and mostly all I had ever dreamed of. “Mostly”, because of the rain, but otherwise it was perfect. I loved that we chose to have a small wedding with a larger reception. Aaron looked so handsome in his tux, and the church was so beautiful. I really love Aaron and am so lucky we met that day at our college Bible study.
The reception went well and though I had a blast, I am so glad that it is finally over with. Now we can relax and move on with the rest of our lives. Tomorrow, we will head to Hawaii for our honeymoon. So excited!
September 15th 1999
Well, so much for that first year of journaling. It has been such a busy year. We moved to a great house, Aaron switched jobs, and he is so much happier as contractor. And surprise, I am 6 months pregnant with a little boy! It has been a very rough few months filled with a lot of nausea. I have never thrown up so much in my entire life!!! The only thing I seem to really like is Chinese. Egg rolls, Sweet and Sour pork, and I could eat a ton of chow mien every single day. I’m going to be so fat when all of this is done. Hurry up little man, mommy and daddy cannot wait to meet you!! I think I should go take a nap now. Just the smallest tasks seem to do me in these days.
January 17th 2000
Happy New Year! Isaiah Aaron was born on December 20th! He weighed 8lbs 3oz! A sweet healthy boy with a lot of hair, He is the sweetest baby. Perfect in every way - his beautiful fair hair, his chubby cheeks, his sweet baby rolls, and his little tiny baby mouth. We are still working on sleeping through the night. I hope he learns soon, as I am so very tired! Thankfully breastfeeding has been very easy! It’s very interesting being a new mom, so many questions! I think I’ve called his pediatrician about 100 times and he’s not even a month old yet. They must think I’m crazy! But it all is so scary and overwhelming at times. We are doing well though and Aaron is a great dad. He tries to let me sleep in by getting up with the baby after his 5:30 feeding. Oh! There is the baby now…I will try and journal again soon.
April 5th 2005
Today is a day I will never forget. Before I get into it, a quick update - Aaron and I now have 2 children, Isaiah is 5 and Jenna is 3. Aaron’s business is going well and I still stay at home with the kids.
About 6 months ago I started having problems breathing. I was having a hard time catching my breath after exerting myself. I thought maybe I had developed asthma because my brother has it. I went in and saw my doctor and he agreed that my symptoms sounded like asthma and he gave me an inhaler. However; after a couple of weeks it was clear that the inhaler was not helping. I went back into my doctor and he suggested I get an x-ray just to make sure nothing else was going on. Two days later I got a call from his office suggesting I come back in for some more testing. More testing..what does that mean? How ominous how scary..why cant they just tell you what exactly they are afraid of or what they think. I spent the next 3 days before my appointment sick to my stomach. Praying, praying, and I could hardly eat anything..let alone keep a brave face for my kids so they didn’t sense that mommy was upset.
They day of my appointment was so hard. I just didn’t even know what to expect. I was brought into the room and sat waiting for the dr. I was cold and sweaty..ugh I hate doctors. When Dr. Jacobs walked in the look on his face said a lot! I knew that something was really wrong. He said there was an abnormal spot on my x-ray. It was concerning but he was not sure at this point how concerned he or I or whoever should be. He scheduled me for an MRI and told me I should know the results within the week.
3 days later his nurse called and asked me to come in as the results were in. I have cancer. There are not many words to describe how I felt that day..how Aaron felt that day. It was sheer devastation. So many whys! Why did God let this happen..I had never ever ever smoked..no one in my family smoked. But I have cancer. There was a hole in my diaphragm. Cancer with a name so long I can’t even say it…let alone want to write it down. Thankfully it is quite treatable, but I am still very angry and very scared!!!
We sat down and told the kids tonight. I think that was worse than finding out myself what was wrong. How to tell them without scaring them..to phrase it so their sweet minds understand what is going on. I tried to keep my emotions hidden but it was so so hard to tell them that mommy is sick; of course we did not mention that I could die, but it was all I could think of. My children standing next to my bedside as I wasted away. Me, unable to help them get ready for Halloween, or Christmas, or school, my sweet Jenna grown and putting on her wedding gown saddened by the fact that I could not be there to help her..both of my children having children and not having mom to be there for them. The pain of the “what ifs” is so strong my chest felt like it would explode! After we told them we asked if they had any questions; Isaiah was worried that mommy was hurting and that the dr. was going to hurt me. Jenna really didn’t understand, but seemed concerned and hardly left my side as I laid on the couch for the rest of the night snuggling with them, thinking that I can make up in advance the time I cannot be there for them in the future.
I have so many fears that I am damaging my kids by being sick, I know it’s unavoidable, but I feel like a bad Mom..are they only going to remember a mom who cannot play with them, who is sick, and weak. Instead of the mom I want to be..active, and part of their lives. I am so devastated today.
April 22nd 2005
Today was a bad day. Aaron and I stayed up most of the night praying and seeking God, knowing that today I would have poison injected into my veins. I know that God has a plan and though I am terrified I have peace. I have hope! My doctor said I have a very good chance for surviving this cancer. We will do 6 weeks of chemotherapy and then surgery to repair the cancerous hole in my diaphragm.
I got up today and got Isaiah off to preschool and Jenna to her Nana’s house. Thank the Lord for family and their willingness to help out during all of this mess. Aaron and I arrived and I was hooked up to my chemo. It didn’t take long for me to become sick.
It is so hard to explain the sick feeling…definitely nothing like morning sickness..there was a ‘chemical’ feeling to it. Like when you are cleaning something with a cleaner and its fumes are over powering and give you a headache. My mouth tasted of metal but the worst of it was the vomiting. I couldn’t even stop it if I wanted to. It was constant and persistent, over and over even when there was nothing left but bile. I was so exhausted by time I was finished. Aaron took me home and put me to bed where I stayed until the kids got home. I tried so desperately to act as if everything was normal but after only a few moments I had no choice but to lay down. Jenna fussed and hovered, clearly concerned as to why mommy was laying down. Isaiah avoided me…not knowing what to make of this change in his mom. I could not do all this without Aaron though; he will be picking up the slack for a bit. I feel bad but there is really nothing to be done.
May 8th
Sick. Tired. Not much else to be said. Praying for healing!
June 15th
I am finished with chemo!!!!!! I am so so so excited!!! I had labs done and so far my blood is clear…I am clear of cancer!!! We will be doing an MRI sometime next week to figure out the surgery. The cancer essentially ate a hole into my diaphragm and that is why I have such a hard time breathing. The surgery will close the hole and hopefully after that I will be considered in complete remission!!! I am so excited, so happy that this is almost done with!! It has been the most challenging thing I have ever gone through. My kids have faired ok..not as bad as I had originally imagined. Isaiah seems fine for the most part but has struggled with stomachaches off and on which I think must be a sign of him worrying. Jenna has born the brunt of it I think. She has become a lot clingier and doesn’t sleep well in her own bed at night. It feels as if she is struggling with anxiety over all that has happened and changed, but I have used my own down time to snuggle with her as much as possible and hopefully that has and will continue to reassure her as I slowly get back to being myself.
June 28
Today is surgery!! So nervous yet so excited!! God got me through this and I am at the last step. Surgery, then onto being me minus this awful cancer!!!!
June 30th
I haven’t been able to stop crying for the past 2 days. Everything has been turned upside down and I am so angry! I went into surgery two days ago feeling like this was it and everything was going to be ok. I came out of surgery two days ago to discover that they could not close the hole in my diaphragm and that I was going to die. There was nothing they could do. The hole is so large that they cannot close it. I was going to slowly suffocate. The pain of this is so large!!! So much bigger then me!!! My throat aches all day long because I cry and cry and cry. Even as I write this I am sobbing. Why would God do this to me? Why would he allow me to have hope and then let it all crash down, squashing even the tiniest bit of hope? I feel as if I am going to explode into a million pieces..I don’t even know what to do, where to turn, how to tell my kids that their mommy is going to die, that they won’t have a mommy after just a few months, and that they will have to say their goodbyes at some hospital and then watch me be lowered into the ground. I am so so angry! I am so angry at God!! How much do my children have to go through? I can’t stop crying.
August 9th
I am done throwing my fit. I have come to accept not only my death but the disease that is pushing me towards death. Accepting what is to come has caused me to become numb. For now I am trying to care for my family as if nothing is wrong, I cant do very much as I tire very easily and have to keep oxygen on me at all times..with the fancy tubing that goes into my nose. We haven’t told the kids yet. We don’t want to cause them more pain then necessary. They are so young and should not have to worry about losing their mom at such young ages. Our church has been very helpful, bringing meals a few times a week, and helping financially with our medical bills. *sigh* I still wish I knew why God was letting this happen and I still become angry at times..but I know now that there is nothing I can do. I am going to die, much sooner than I hoped. I had hoped to teach my daughter to put on makeup, to be there when she had her heart broken for the first time, to help her dress for prom, to get ready for her wedding day, and be there when her first baby is born. I had hoped to be around long enough to teach Isaiah how to be a good man, watch him shave for the first time, compete in sports, go out on his very first date, and see him look into the eyes of a girl and proclaim his love and commitment to her for life, to see him become a daddy. All these things I will miss. And there is nothing I can do but accept it. For Aaron we had many years together but I had hoped to grow old, watch our kids grow up, and have families of their own. Now I worry about him being alone. I don’t want him to be alone, and yet I don’t want to be replaced by another woman, I don’t want him to kiss another woman, to love another woman, it has always supposed to have been me..him and me! I want my kids to have a mother, and yet I don’t want it to be someone who is not me. Why???
August 31st
It has become harder and harder to do things. I spend most of my day on the couch or in bed. We have become dependant on my parents who have been gracious enough to move in and help. I am grateful for family.
September 3rd
Last night I stopped breathing and was rushed to the hospital by ambulance. My dr. says that my lungs are functioning at less than 50%, and that I am no longer able to be at home. Though I know I am going to die I am going to fight tooth and nail to stay as long as I can. So I need to get used to tubes and beeping, if that is what it takes to stay alive..that is what I will do.
Good thing I don’t have much of an appetite..the food is awful!
The kids think its fun that im here..they still don’t know what is happening so we try and make each visit an adventure, and my bed is definitely the high point. “its like a ride” says Jenna.
Ive been reading my Bible a lot more…and am starting to feel some peace. To everything there is a season.”a time to live..and a time to die”. I don’t understand God’s master plan, but I have faith and I know that somehow this fits in to his plan. To what purpose I will probably never know. But daily I seek God in prayer and I find peace to get me through each day. There are still so many questions..so many Whys? But I am learning to cope with them, knowing they will go unanswered. The grief is still so strong and a day does not pass where I do not cry. I cry a lot!! But every night as I go to sleep, wondering if I will see the next day, I say the hardest words I could imagine. “his will, not mine”. Gods will not mine. As much as I long for life…Gods will is what is best for my life..however short it may be.
October 31st
Sorry there are so many days missing in my journal. I just have not felt up to it. Tired of reiterating what is in my mind, such sad and depressing thoughts. Today is Halloween, the kids came in; Isaiah is a power ranger and Jenna is a princess. They were so cute! Aaron had bought candy so that the kids could come trick or treating to my room. We rode my bed as high as it would go and then as low..all the while they giggled with delight. Who knew a hospital bed could be so much fun!
November
I don’t want to put the date down in this journal anymore..my days are growing short. I am running out of time and I don’t want to count the days anymore. Last week was my 35th birthday. Aaron and my parents and the kids came in and brought a cake and presents. It was fun and bittersweet! Both of the kids made me cards and necklaces made out of macaroni that had been painted and glittered. I am still wearing them. My parents left and took the kids home (of course after many additional bed rides) and Aaron stayed to be with me. He climbed into my small hospital bed and just held me. He has been such a comfort and has been so loyal to stay by my side the entire time, he is such a trooper and I am not sure I deserve him. I can barely stay awake more than an hour..my body is so worn out each day just trying to breathe. We tried to talk but I am so exhausted at this point in the day that I cannot even speak. Instead he laid there holding me telling me all about the kids, and how much they have grown and changed. How they are doing in preschool and kindergarten. All the things I am missing out on in my hospital prison. We both cried for a very long time. It is becoming obvious that my time is drawing to a close. My skin has taken on a gray color due to the lack of oxygen. I am so very thin, weak, and tired. It cannot be long now.
My dr. visited me today (nov. 15th) and I begged him to let me go home for Thanksgiving! I need the comfort of my own home, of a holiday..and Aaron and I feel it is time to tell the kids. It needs to happen in their own home..not the sterile environment of a hospital..no matter how fun the bed is. He agreed to let me go home, but I am only being given 24hrs. One night in my own bed with my family close by!!! I am so excited!!! Must rest now.
Thanksgiving was so wonderful!! All of the family came. We had so much fun and everyone was so sweet to just ignore me when I drifted off to sleep here and there. For one day we pretended that I was ok and that I was not dying. The next morning before I went back to the hospital we sat the kids down and told them that mommy was going to go to heaven soon. That I wasn’t going to be around much longer, but that once I was in heaven I was going to be able to run, dance, and be me again. I would no longer struggle to speak, I would no longer be tired anymore, and I would no longer have to live at the hospital. They both cried, heart rending tears and sobs. Im not sure how much they understand, but they do understand that mommy will no longer be here. We sat together for a long time crying and holding each other. I knew it would be awful but was still unprepared for the overwhelming emotions that overtook me. It quite literally broke my heart.
December
Christmas is coming and I want to do something for my kids and for Aaron as im sure this will be my last Christmas. Ive decided to make scrapbooks for each one..pictures of us together. Aaron and I when we were first dating, when we got engaged and then married, pictures of us as we became parents each time. For the kids I put together pictures of me and them together..starting from when they were first born up to now. Making sure that each picture is of us smiling and happy. My mom came in the other day and I had her write for me a letter to each kid and to Aaron, basically a last goodbye and something to remember me by. She then took the scrapbooks and wrapped them up for each one. This is so hard.
There is something wrong. I must be getting close to death. I am so sick..so so so sick! I can see it in the eyes of the nurses as they care for me..the worry gnawing at them each time they check in on me.
I am becoming quite scared, I cannot stop vomiting. Since I am not getting much oxygen into my body it has left me completely exhausted and all I do now is sleep. I just keep praying for Jesus to hold me and help me through these last few days.
December 20th
This is Aaron writing for Sarah; Sarah is so very week and ill that she cannot write but wishes for me to continue this journal. The other day her doctor called me in so that he could meet with us together. My heart was pounding as I went in..I have been grieving knowing my wife was about to die. Not knowing how I could continue on without her, without her by my side, and without her to help me raise our kids. As I sat down next to my wife..she looked so frail and small. We held hands as we looked to the doctor to tell us that this was the end.
Dr. Jacobs looked at us for a long time. I felt sick and was beginning to panic, Sarah gripped my hand with the strength she could muster. First the Doctor had some questions for us..questions I found uncomfortable and awkward. He first asked Sarah what day her vomiting started, and then asked us both together if during Thanksgiving her and I had been “intimate”. I didn’t even know what to say I was so frusterated..why did this even matter? I looked over at Sarah and she had turned a bright shade of red., she looked sheepishly at me and then nodded yes to the dr. He looked one last time through the chart he was holding, smiled very largely and said that Sarah was pregnant. Jesus help me!! I was devastated..how could this help anything and why was he smiling?!! Sarah began to quietly cry. I was so very angry at myself for letting this happen. And angry at the dr. what could he be thinking, why was he so happy. It was just one more thing to rip us apart inside. Not only would Sarah be dying but so would this baby..before we even got to meet him or her.
The Doctor could see that I was getting upset and quickly explained the entire situation. When Sarah had become ill the dr started questioning her symptoms and did a pregnancy test. When she came home for Thanksgiving we had become pregnant.. He then showed us the monitors and how her oxygen level had gone up over the past month. He could not confirm it without first doing an MRI but he felt the baby was actually saving Sarah’s life by pushing up her organs as it grew, and helping to close the hole in her diaphragm. I was shocked and Sarah couldn’t even speak.
The Doctor took us straight to get an MRI. While we waited for the results Sarah and I prayed..trying desperately to not jump to conclusions and have hope. The Doctor did not just come in with the results..he fairly skipped in. He was beaming!!! It was true, Sarah was pregnant and this baby..created out of love..had saved her life! What could be a better Christmas present than the love of my life, my childrens mother, and another baby.
December 24th
Yesterday, I had surgery to close the hole in my diaphragm. And it was a complete success!!!!! For the fist time in months I am able to breathe!!! I have been crying and smiling non stop!! My kids have come and gone many times since we found out and their happy squeals make me glow! I get to raise my babies..and not just the two babies I was so fearful of leaving..but the new baby growing in my belly. I wont be home by Christmas, but I will be home by the New Year, healing and on my way to being me..minus the cancer.
Wow! God has blessed me so much. When I knew that death was imminent he saved me by giving me a baby. A baby saved my life! God must surely have a sense of humor. Here we are on the eve of Jesus’ birth. Jesus who was given to Mary to carry for nine months so that he could be born and save us from death. I am in no way Mary…but he saw fit to give me this baby to save my life…and that is how much he loves me.
