A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story  

By Rachel Smith

June 26^th 1998

Today I got married and apparently thought it would be a good idea to start a journal as well.  I don’t know what I was thinking, but I felt it would be wonderful to have some sort of written proof of our life together… now as a couple and hopefully sooner than later, a family.

 Our wedding was beautiful and mostly all I had ever dreamed of. “Mostly”, because of the rain, but otherwise it was perfect. I loved that we chose to have a small wedding with a larger reception. Aaron looked so handsome in his tux, and the church was so beautiful. I really love Aaron and am so lucky we met that day at our college Bible study.

 The reception went well and though I had a blast, I am so glad that it is finally over with.  Now we can relax and move on with the rest of our lives. Tomorrow, we will head to Hawaii for our honeymoon. So excited!

 September 15th 1999

Well, so much for that first year of journaling. It has been such a busy year. We moved to a great house, Aaron switched jobs, and he is so much happier as contractor. And surprise, I am 6 months pregnant with a little boy! It has been a very rough few months filled with a lot of nausea. I have never thrown up so much in my entire life!!! The only thing I seem to really like is Chinese. Egg rolls, Sweet and Sour pork, and I could eat a ton of chow mien every single day. I’m going to be so fat when all of this is done. Hurry up little man, mommy and daddy cannot wait to meet you!! I think I should go take a nap now. Just the smallest tasks seem to do me in these days.

 January 17th 2000

 Happy New Year! Isaiah Aaron was born on December 20th! He weighed 8lbs 3oz! A sweet healthy boy with a lot of hair, He is the sweetest baby. Perfect in every way - his beautiful fair hair, his chubby cheeks, his sweet baby rolls, and his little tiny baby mouth. We are still working on sleeping through the night. I hope he learns soon, as I am so very tired! Thankfully breastfeeding has been very easy! It’s very interesting being a new mom, so many questions! I think I’ve called his pediatrician about 100 times and he’s not even a month old yet. They must think I’m crazy! But it all is so scary and overwhelming at times. We are doing well though and Aaron is a great dad.  He tries to let me sleep in by getting up with the baby after his 5:30 feeding. Oh! There is the baby now…I will try and journal again soon.

 April 5th 2005

Today is a day I will never forget. Before I get into it, a quick update - Aaron and I now have 2 children, Isaiah is 5 and Jenna is 3. Aaron’s business is going well and I still stay at home with the kids.

 About 6 months ago I started having problems breathing.  I was having a hard time catching my breath after exerting myself.  I thought maybe I had developed asthma because my brother has it.  I went in and saw my doctor and he agreed that my symptoms sounded like asthma and he gave me an inhaler. However; after a couple of weeks it was clear that the inhaler was not helping. I went back into my doctor and he suggested I get an x-ray just to make sure nothing else was going on. Two days later I got a call from his office suggesting I come back in for some more testing. More testing..what does that mean? How ominous how scary..why cant they just tell you what exactly they are afraid of or what they think. I spent the next 3 days before my appointment sick to my stomach. Praying, praying, and I could hardly eat anything..let alone keep a brave face for my kids so they didn’t sense that mommy was upset.

 They day of my appointment was so hard. I just didn’t even know what to expect. I was brought into the room and sat waiting for the dr. I was cold and sweaty..ugh I hate doctors. When Dr. Jacobs walked in the look on his face said a lot! I knew that something was really wrong. He said there was an abnormal spot on my x-ray. It was concerning but he was not sure at this point how concerned he or I or whoever should be. He scheduled me for an MRI and told me I should know the results within the week.

 3 days later his nurse called and asked me to come in as the results were in. I have cancer. There are not many words to describe how I felt that day..how Aaron felt that day. It was sheer devastation. So many whys! Why did God let this happen..I had never ever ever smoked..no one in my family smoked. But I have cancer. There was a hole in my diaphragm. Cancer with a name so long I can’t even say it…let alone want to write it down. Thankfully it is quite treatable, but I am still very angry and very scared!!!

 We sat down and told the kids tonight. I think that was worse than finding out myself what was wrong. How to tell them without scaring them..to phrase it so their sweet minds understand what is going on. I tried to keep my emotions hidden but it was so so hard to tell them that mommy is sick; of course we did not mention that I could die, but it was all I could think of. My children standing next to my bedside as I wasted away. Me, unable to help them get ready for Halloween, or Christmas, or school, my sweet Jenna grown and putting on her wedding gown saddened by the fact that I could not be there to help her..both of my children having children and not having mom to be there for them. The pain of the “what ifs” is so strong my chest felt like it would explode! After we told them we asked if they had any questions;  Isaiah was worried that mommy was hurting and that the dr. was going to hurt me. Jenna really didn’t understand, but seemed concerned and hardly left my side as I laid on the couch for the rest of the night snuggling with them, thinking that I can make up in advance the time I cannot be there for them in the future.

I have so many fears that I am damaging my kids by being sick, I know it’s unavoidable, but I feel like a bad Mom..are they only going to remember a mom who  cannot play with them, who is sick, and weak. Instead of the mom I want to be..active, and part of their lives. I am so devastated today.

 April 22nd 2005

Today was a bad day. Aaron and I stayed up most of the night praying and seeking God, knowing that today I would have poison injected into my veins. I know that God has a plan and though I am terrified I have peace. I have hope! My doctor said I have a very good chance for surviving this cancer. We will do 6 weeks of chemotherapy and then surgery to repair the cancerous hole in my diaphragm.

 I got up today and got Isaiah off to preschool and Jenna to her Nana’s house. Thank the Lord for family and their willingness to help out during all of this mess. Aaron and I arrived and I was hooked up to my chemo. It didn’t take long for me to become sick.

It is so hard to explain the sick feeling…definitely nothing like morning sickness..there was a ‘chemical’ feeling to it. Like when you are cleaning something with a cleaner and its fumes are over powering and give you a headache. My mouth tasted of metal but the worst of it was the vomiting. I couldn’t even stop it if I wanted to. It was constant and persistent, over and over even when there was nothing left but bile. I was so exhausted by time I was finished. Aaron took me home and put me to bed where I stayed until the kids got home. I tried so desperately to act as if everything was normal but after only a few moments I had no choice but to lay down. Jenna fussed and hovered, clearly concerned as to why mommy was laying down. Isaiah avoided me…not knowing what to make of this change in his mom. I could not do all this without Aaron though; he will be picking up the slack for a bit. I feel bad but there is really nothing to be done.

 May 8th

Sick. Tired. Not much else to be said. Praying for healing!

 June 15th

I am finished with chemo!!!!!! I am so so so excited!!! I had labs done and so far my blood is clear…I am clear of cancer!!! We will be doing an MRI sometime next week to figure out the surgery. The cancer essentially ate a hole into my diaphragm and that is why I have such a hard time breathing. The surgery will close the hole and hopefully after that I will be considered in complete remission!!! I am so excited, so happy that this is almost done with!! It has been the most challenging thing I have ever gone through. My kids have faired ok..not as bad as I had originally imagined. Isaiah seems fine for the most part but has struggled with stomachaches off and on which I think must be a sign of him worrying. Jenna has born the brunt of it I think. She has become a lot clingier and doesn’t sleep well in her own bed at night. It feels as if she is struggling with anxiety over all that has happened and changed, but I have used my own down time to snuggle with her as much as possible and hopefully that has and will continue to reassure her as I slowly get back to being myself.

 June 28

Today is surgery!! So nervous yet so excited!! God got me through this and I am at the last step. Surgery, then onto being me minus this awful cancer!!!!

 June 30th

I haven’t been able to stop crying for the past 2 days. Everything has been turned upside down and I am so angry! I went into surgery two days ago feeling like this was it and everything was going to be ok. I came out of surgery two days ago to discover that they could not close the hole in my diaphragm and that I was going to die. There was nothing they could do. The hole is so large that they cannot close it. I was going to slowly suffocate. The pain of this is so large!!! So much bigger then me!!! My throat aches all day long because I cry and cry and cry. Even as I write this I am sobbing. Why would God do this to me? Why would he allow me to have hope and then let it all crash down, squashing even the tiniest bit of hope? I feel as if I am going to explode into a million pieces..I don’t even know what to do, where to turn, how to tell my kids that their mommy is going to die, that they won’t have a mommy after just a few months, and that they will have to say their goodbyes at some hospital and then watch me be lowered into the ground. I am so so angry! I am so angry at God!!  How much do my children have to go through? I can’t stop crying.

 August 9th

I am done throwing my fit. I have come to accept not only my death but the disease that is pushing me towards death. Accepting what is to come has caused me to become numb. For now I am trying to care for my family as if nothing is wrong, I cant do very much as I tire very easily and have to keep oxygen on me at all times..with the fancy tubing that goes into my nose. We haven’t told the kids yet. We don’t want to cause them more pain then necessary. They are so young and should not have to worry about losing their mom at such young ages. Our church has been very helpful, bringing meals a few times a week, and helping financially with our medical bills. *sigh* I still wish I knew why God was letting this happen and I still become angry at times..but I know now that there is nothing I can do. I am going to die, much sooner than I hoped. I had hoped to teach my daughter to put on makeup, to be there when she had her heart broken for the first time, to help her dress for prom, to get ready for her wedding day, and be there when her first baby is born. I had hoped to be around long enough to teach Isaiah how to be a good man, watch him shave for the first time, compete in sports, go out on his very first date, and see him look into the eyes of a girl and proclaim his love and commitment to her for life, to see him become a daddy. All these things I will miss. And there is nothing I can do but accept it. For Aaron we had many years together but I had hoped to grow old, watch our kids grow up, and have families of their own. Now I worry about him being alone. I don’t want him to be alone, and yet I don’t want to be replaced by another woman, I don’t want him to kiss another woman, to love another woman, it has always supposed to have been me..him and me! I want my kids to have a mother, and yet I don’t want it to be someone who is not me. Why??? 

 August 31st

It has become harder and harder to do things. I spend most of my day on the couch or in bed. We have become dependant on my parents who have been gracious enough to move in and help. I am grateful for family.

 September 3rd

Last night I stopped breathing and was rushed to the hospital by ambulance. My dr. says that my lungs are functioning at less than 50%, and that I am no longer able to be at home. Though I know I am going to die I am going to fight tooth and nail to stay as long as I can. So I need to get used to tubes and beeping, if that is what it takes to stay alive..that is what I will do.

Good thing I don’t have much of an appetite..the food is awful!

The kids think its fun that im here..they still don’t know what is happening so we try and make each visit an adventure, and my bed is definitely the high point. “its like a ride” says Jenna.

Ive been reading my Bible a lot more…and am starting to feel some peace. To everything there is a season.”a time to live..and a time to die”. I don’t understand God’s master plan, but I have faith and I know that somehow this fits in to his plan. To what purpose I will probably never know. But daily I seek God in prayer and I find peace to get me through each day. There are still so many questions..so many Whys? But I am learning to cope with them, knowing they will go unanswered. The grief is still so strong and a day does not pass where I do not cry. I cry a lot!! But every night as I go to sleep, wondering if I will see the next day, I say the hardest words I could imagine. “his will, not mine”. Gods will not mine. As much as I long for life…Gods will is what is best for my life..however short it may be.

 October 31st

Sorry there are so many days missing in my journal. I just have not felt up to it. Tired of reiterating what is in my mind, such sad and depressing thoughts. Today is Halloween, the kids came in; Isaiah is a power ranger and Jenna is a princess. They were so cute! Aaron had bought candy so that the kids could come trick or treating to my room. We rode my bed as high as it would go and then as low..all the while they giggled with delight. Who knew a hospital bed could be so much fun!

 November

I don’t want to put the date down in this journal anymore..my days are growing short. I am running out of time and I don’t want to count the days anymore. Last week was my 35th birthday. Aaron and my parents and the kids came in and brought a cake and presents. It was fun and bittersweet! Both of the kids made me cards and necklaces made out of macaroni that had been painted and glittered. I am still wearing them. My parents left and took the kids home (of course after many additional bed rides) and Aaron stayed to be with me. He climbed into my small hospital bed and just held me. He has been such a comfort and has been so loyal to stay by my side the entire time, he is such a trooper and I am not sure I deserve him. I can barely stay awake more than an hour..my body is so worn out each day just trying to breathe. We tried to talk but I am so exhausted at this point in the day that I cannot even speak. Instead he laid there holding me telling me all about the kids, and how much they have grown and changed. How they are doing in preschool and kindergarten. All the things I am missing out on in my hospital prison. We both cried for a very long time. It is becoming obvious that my time is drawing to a close. My skin has taken on a gray color due to the lack of oxygen. I am so very thin, weak, and tired. It cannot be long now.

 My dr. visited me today (nov. 15th) and I begged him to let me go home for Thanksgiving! I need the comfort of my own home, of a holiday..and Aaron and I feel it is time to tell the kids. It needs to happen in their own home..not the sterile environment of a hospital..no matter how fun the bed is. He agreed to let me go home, but I am only being given 24hrs. One night in my own bed with my family close by!!! I am so excited!!! Must rest now.

 Thanksgiving was so wonderful!! All of the family came. We had so much fun and everyone was so sweet to just ignore me when I drifted off to sleep here and there. For one day we pretended that I was ok and that I was not dying. The next morning before I went back to the hospital we sat the kids down and told them that mommy was going to go to heaven soon. That I wasn’t going to be around much longer, but that once I was in heaven I was going to be able to run, dance, and be me again. I would no longer struggle to speak, I would no longer be tired anymore, and I would no longer have to live at the hospital. They both cried, heart rending tears and sobs. Im not sure how much they understand, but they do understand that mommy will no longer be here. We sat together for a long time crying and holding each other. I knew it would be awful but was still unprepared for the overwhelming emotions that overtook me. It quite literally broke my heart.

 December

Christmas is coming and I want to do something for my kids and for Aaron as im sure this will be my last Christmas. Ive decided to make scrapbooks for each one..pictures of us together. Aaron and I when we were first dating, when we got engaged and then married, pictures of us as we became parents each time. For the kids I put together pictures of me and them together..starting from when they were first born up to now. Making sure that each picture is of us smiling and happy. My mom came in the other day and I had her write for me a letter to each kid and to Aaron, basically a last goodbye and something to remember me by. She then took the scrapbooks and wrapped them up for each one. This is so hard.

 There is something wrong. I must be getting close to death. I am so sick..so so so sick! I can see it in the eyes of the nurses as they care for me..the worry gnawing at them each time they check in on me.

 I am becoming quite scared, I cannot stop vomiting. Since I am not getting much oxygen into my body it has left me completely exhausted and all I do now is sleep. I just keep praying for Jesus to hold me and help me through these last few days.

 December 20th

This is Aaron writing for Sarah; Sarah is so very week and ill that she cannot write but wishes for me to continue this journal. The other day her doctor called me in so that he could meet with us together. My heart was pounding as I went in..I have been grieving knowing my wife was about to die. Not knowing how I could continue on without her, without her by my side, and without her to help me raise our kids. As I sat down next to my wife..she looked so frail and small. We held hands as we looked to the doctor to tell us that this was the end.

 Dr. Jacobs looked at us for a long time. I felt sick and was beginning to panic, Sarah gripped my hand with the strength she could muster. First the Doctor had some questions for us..questions I found uncomfortable and awkward. He first asked Sarah what day her vomiting started, and then asked us both together if during Thanksgiving her and I had been “intimate”. I didn’t even know what to say I was so frusterated..why did this even matter? I looked over at Sarah and she had turned a bright shade of red., she looked sheepishly at me and then nodded yes to the dr. He looked one last time through the chart he was holding, smiled very largely and said that Sarah was pregnant. Jesus help me!! I was devastated..how could this help anything and why was he smiling?!! Sarah began to quietly cry. I was so very angry at myself for letting this happen. And angry at the dr. what could he be thinking, why was he so happy. It was just one more thing to rip us apart inside. Not only would Sarah be dying but so would this baby..before we even got to meet him or her.

 The Doctor could see that I was getting upset and quickly explained the entire situation. When Sarah had become ill the dr started questioning her symptoms and did a pregnancy test. When she came home for Thanksgiving we had become pregnant.. He then showed us the monitors and how her oxygen level had gone up over the past month. He could not confirm it without first doing an MRI but he felt the baby was actually saving Sarah’s life by pushing up her organs as it grew, and helping to close the hole in her diaphragm. I was shocked and Sarah couldn’t even speak.

 The Doctor took us straight to get an MRI. While we waited for the results Sarah and I prayed..trying desperately to not jump to conclusions and have hope. The Doctor did not just come in with the results..he fairly skipped in. He was beaming!!! It was true, Sarah was pregnant and this baby..created out of love..had saved her life! What could be a better Christmas present than the love of my life, my childrens mother, and another baby.

 December 24th

Yesterday, I had surgery to close the hole in my diaphragm. And it was a complete success!!!!! For the fist time in months I am able to breathe!!! I have been crying and smiling non stop!! My kids have come and gone many times since we found out and their happy squeals make me glow! I get to raise my babies..and not just the two babies I was so fearful of leaving..but the new baby growing in my belly. I wont be home by Christmas, but I will be home by the New Year, healing and on my way to being me..minus the cancer.

Wow! God has blessed me so much. When I knew that death was imminent he saved me by giving me a baby. A baby saved my life! God must surely have a sense of humor. Here we are on the eve of Jesus’ birth. Jesus who was given to Mary to carry for nine months so that he could be born and save us from death. I am in no way Mary…but he saw fit to give me this baby to save my life…and that is how much he loves me.  

"Im a board..im a board!!"

Hmmm a favorite quote..where to go with this one..I could go funny, philosophical,  theological, movie/book quote. Funny as now the only thing that comes to mind is a quote from my brother Adam. Thankfully it brings with it a wonderful anecdote. My brother Adam used to fall asleep every night before bed time..and usually my dad would have to carry him to his bed. One night as my dad was carrying Adam down the stairs to his bedroom he (adam) freaked out and started yelling "im a board..im a board" (quote by Adam Gerlach) Anyway, he got rigid in my dads arms...just like a board..legs and arms sticking straight out..back no longer relaxed but flattened out. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen to this day. What kind of dream would cause someone to believe that they were in fact a piece of wood.

A favorite Book

Well this is not hard. I adore reading!!! I read every single night..no matter how tired I am and even if I only read a sentence I will open my book and read. So a favorite book...I think it would have to be Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It depicts the life of a woman who gets sold into prostitution as a child and the struggles she goes through after she is essentially bought by a man to be his wife. Though his reasons for ''buying'' her have nothing to do with what you might be imagining. But because he feels the Lord telling him that this is the woman he has chosen for him. She rebels against him as her husband, runs away multiple times, and is angry and bitter. It is an amazing story about how the love of God can overcome so many struggles and pain...how He loves us no matter where weve been or the poor decisions we might make. Every single time I read it I want to start over again.

Down in the Valley

We were so excited not 3 weeks ago..I was preggers!!!! Barely a week had passed and I started to bleed. It seemed like spotting..but it was bright. All very scary.. to see blood. After a very long long 2 wks and many blood draws it was confirmed that I had in fact miscarried. Such a roller coaster! One day I would think I was doing ok..the next I was a wreck imagining it was all over. There definitely is something to be said about truth. Truth does set you free!

I grieved for a couple of days..and though I am still waiting for it all to be over with..I have peace. Knowing the truth has allowed me to stop worrying, to focus on my family more, to stop being so self focused. It allowed me to release this baby into Jesus' safe keeping.

It is so amazing how we can love so quickly something that cannot even be seen, heard, or felt. But  the moment that pregnancy test says positive..you are absolutely in love with the wee baby growing inside of you. How amazing is the gift God has given us..to create life. How much more must he love us as he has created each and every one of us.

Though the past few weeks have been rough. My faith has seen me through. God has amazing plans for me, whatever they may be. I trust that implicitly! He has blessed me with a wonderful husband, three beautiful children, a home, wonderful friends, and family.

Though this baby did not make it...I praise Jesus amidst my sadness. This song by Caedmons Call says it perfectly! Click here to hear it.

3. A Favorite TV program

Well I have shows I like to watch..but nothing compares to real life medical shows. I love to watch anything on Discovery Health!!! It is all so fascinating to me..from the medical emergencies in the ER to the programs about women and pregnancy to strange but real stories about people who have overcome massive injury or are born with diseases. I wanted to be a nurse..and would still want to be if it were not for the risk. When I started nursing at the Bellingham Tech. I did great at first....until the day I had to sign the paperwork saying that I would not sue the school if I were stuck with a needle and got a disease...ummm well..no. I could not even imagine! Part was all I had ever seen in my future was having a family. Marriage and Babies! I felt I was putting it all at risk!
So I do not have DHC and can no longer spend my down time watching surgeries, broken limbs, blood..lol..but if I could..yep I would. I would live vicariously through those that are willing to take the risk that I am unwilling to make. :)

2. A Favorite Movie

Hmmmm this is a hard one for me. I like movies..but I dont care all that much about them. I love Youve Got Mail..but I dont know if I can say its my favorite..I also love Gone with the Wind, and Meet me in St. Louis, and many other movies. I dont watch movies that often though. If I have to say explicitly what my favorite is....its Youve Got Mail. It makes me think of fall..and I love fall. 

"Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address" 

I have a favorite flaw in the movie as well..when they go to the cocktail party..Joe Fox looks over and sees Kathleen Kelly..she is supposedly talking with a group of people and is pretending to talk...but you can see it and you can hear it that what she is actually saying is "fox fox fox.." Next time you watch it you have to find it..it makes me laugh every time..its so obvious! :)

 

1. A Favorite Song

Hmmm well I think it hands down is Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole. Its not a song I could listen to all the time..but it just gives me chills when I do. Its just beautiful!!! Listen to it here on Youtube. :)

30 days..stolen from my sister in law..

30 days

I found this list online of blog ideas, and I thought it'd be fun to try. This is mostly for my writing practice. Read it, don't read it, I don't really care. These won't be done every day, but as often as I can find the time. Enjoy!

Day 1 - a favorite song
Day 2 - a favorite movie
Day 3 - a favorite television program
Day 4 - a favorite book
Day 5 - a favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

books books books....

Really this is just a random post..! I am a huge huge book lover!!! If I was a super lazy person..didnt have kids etc..i would literally sit around and read all the time! I love to escape to some other time or place..be another person..let my imagination draw pictures or where and what is happening in a book!

I remember my mom having us read for 30 min, when I was a kid. Im sure it was more of a way for her to keep her sanity..but I truly think it instilled a huge love of reading into me. I really really hope my kids will feel the same.

How to teach a child to like themselves while disliking yourself..

Sorry..not a very friendly or inviting topic I know...

Lately when I tell Ruby what a pretty/beautiful girl she is she responds by turning her head and whining. So all day I've been teaching her to say thank you when someone gives her a compliment. I think she is catching on...but am I helping her to have self confidence? Or am I simply teaching her a response.

Jason chastises me as I cant stand compliments of any kind. I see what I look like in the mirror...eww! But even that doesnt matter...even when I was young and thin I couldnt stand myself. Ive never had any self confidence to speak of. When I was a pre-pubescent kid I was uber thin..you could see my ribs, my hair was scraggly, and my teeth can you say Snaggle tooth! Once puberty hit I filled out very quickly..curves, large ta-ta's..bubble booty..hips. Hips.. is what I remember the most..I did gymnastics and I hated too see my legs in my leotard..id look at them as I walked out for a meet and just want them to go far far away.

In my twentys I slowly started to gain here and there..but I was never heavy until after Jason and I started dating. There was something wrong with me though. I could go days on end feeling hungry no matter how much I ate..it was a sickness that would haunt me. I saw my body getting thicker..larger..curvier but in the wrong directions. So id eat in hiding out of embarrassment( but not knowing what else to do) ..drive through places eat in the car and dispose of the evidence. All of this hardly helped my self esteem.

After Jason and I got married I switched Dr's for the first time in my life..Dr. G kept telling me I was fine (pre-teen on)..just needed to exercise more and take meds for anxiety. So I did..and I did..and I did..but nothing changed. So as I said I switched to Dr. S. He took one look at me and said go get your thyroid checked. Wow..go figure I did in fact have a problem..one that id most likely been dealing with since I was around 10yrs old. Rawr! I know Dr's are fallible, but after years and years of what they deemed hypochondria, anxiety, and just laziness..you think they would have checked for some other reason I was the way I was.

All this to say...my self esteem was and has always been in the crapper because of these body issues. When I turned 30 I had my cholesterol checked since both of my parents have issues. Woo hoo so did I. I came home in a panic...I have babies..I cant die this young..I dont want to have a heart attack!!!!!! I quit eating everything...I only allowed myself 1000 calories a day..if that. I wouldnt even look at food I knew I couldnt have..it wasnt worth the risk. 6mo after all that id lost close to 60lbs and was swiftly pulled into extreme anxiety. So I was almost a sz 10 but a petrified mess. I never got to enjoy it...I was miserable. I went in to my endocrinologist and my thyroid was fine...ugh!!!!! Why?! Grrr. Fine!

So I start taking meds for anxiety and become numb to everything..no emotion..no cares..we decided to get preggers and did immediately. I was working out and planning on doing so my entire pregnancy..but at 8wks I had a bleed and found out that I had a complete previa..so I quit working out and didnt care as I was numb anyway..and just sat on my butt in bed rest land and got fat. So here I am almost 3yrs later..just got off a med that had awful side effects..including gaining 15lbs in 2months..woo hoo!! Self esteem where are you..oh yeah its hiding..oh wait it doesnt exist! So blah blah blah..now you know why I cant stand to look at myself..

So now does this person (me) raise up my girls and son to like themselves? Teaching them how to react to compliments is all I have right now. There is so much more to parenting then I think I ever realized..I am my kids first view of so many things...such a scary thing. How does a parent do it all and yet still have problems themselves..that could end up being mirrored by their children. Help!

Struggles...

Life is such a thing of wonder..Jason has been unemployed for the past 8months. Im sure you (those who amazingly take the time to read my blog) probably think "that sucks" "that must be really hard" "how are they managing"..all valid. Ive had my own moments of freak out and self-indulged complaints and whining about our situation..it sure doesnt take much for me to put it into perspective. We are not homeless..we are still able, thanks to the state of washington, to get groceries and because of student loans and unemployment we can still pay our bills. We are not suffering..other than from small bouts of worry.

There are so many people out there though that have it so much worse. A girl who used to be in our MOP's group lost her baby 6months ago to SIDS. I have been reading her blog and have marveled at her faith through her suffering. Her willingness to share her grief, her struggles, and lo and behold her joy intermixed with her grief. She is pregnant with her 3rd child..a sweet girl..I am so so happy for her. I know it is what I would do if I were in the same situation. A new baby would not heal my wounds..but it would help...a new baby would not replace the child lost..but it would sure help.

Ive also been reading a blog about another local child who has cancer in the brain and possibly down the spine. This baby is only 18months...that is the same age as my baby. There are no words.

So yeah...we are in a rough spot...but nothing in comparison to what so many others are facing...In truth we are blessed. Blessed with our family, our health, and even blessed with the lack of income and health insurance. Life it is what it is..and God is in control

Feetloaf, beetloaf.... I hate Feetloaf!!!!

So really...my feet..they are the worlds ugliest feet!!!! They are short..fat..and so wide! They have always caused me issues..never can find shoes, shoes that fit correctly. They are usually too long but toooooo narrow! So I have to tie them so tight they cause the circulation on the top of my feet to be cut off and within a short amount of time my feet are numb. Then there is the incessant rubbing..my heals have had millions of blisters and my toes..oh my poor toes have been so squished that they have calluses..where technically calluses should not be. ugh! So after year so searching I have finally found shoes...they fit the width..but not quite the length since of course one foot is longer than the other. Now im searching for heel supports that will make up for the length and yet not give me blisters. However..one good thing is the Tennis shoes I did buy..feel fabulous!!! The only crap thing is..is that they freaking look orthodic like..what the heck is up with that! And why would they make wider tennis shoes but not make the side of the instep cut in like normal tennis shoes..so instead they look super thick. I decided vanity is pretty low on my list as a mom of 3 who isnt exactly physically attractive anyway. So im settling for comfort..orthotic like or not im gonna take it! Just imagine constant blisters on your heel...ill take a life without them!!!!!! Oompa loompa..ugly hobbit feet...guess I just get to deal with you!

Growing up is hard to do....

As one of 6 kids I have experienced the many different of personality temperaments of my siblings. Been through the strife of arguments with all siblings and with my parents. Truly annoying and not fun at all...but still just a part of life..especially life wherein you are intimately involved with people on a daily basis. Like any child I have been frustrated with my own  parents at one point or another..whether it was justified or not. But, now that I am an adult..simply put..its different.

When you are a child..you obey your mom and dad (well you try anyway), you try to avoid their censure and do your best to please them. But as an adult..they are still your parents but they are no longer in 'control'. They will always have a point of advice to how you should do something..from raising your children to how to wash your car. Sometimes we will ask for it and sometimes we dont. :D

One of the things I have been pondering is how as children do we deal with our parents when we somehow do not feel our needs met, have our feelings hurt, or just dont get how a relationship with our parents work once we are grownups. I have had friends or known people to be so angry at their parents for causing them to have hurt emotions or somehow not meeting needs one way or another. And I wont lie..there have been times where I have even had the same feelings. Though I have never questioned the validity of these feelings or emotions whether they were mine or anothers.I have been questioning the validity or reasoning behind them. This is where I have ended up...

When we are kids..essentially our parents can do no wrong..when we are adults..we see that they are in fact fallible and human just as everyone else is. The Bible says to honor your Mother and your Father. And as annoying as it might be to some..that means in adulthood as well..not just when we are children.  Our parents will make mistakes and will cause us to have hurt feelings..and they will not meet our needs at times. They no longer have that 'parent to child' role to fulfill..so needs are selfish basically. Our parents have fulfilled their role and now as adults we are self-sufficient.

1 Corinthians 13:11 says; "When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things."

Something that has been bugging me..and in fact this is why I am writing this..is that I know of someone who has had hurt feelings because their parent said something sharp..but in the end apologized. The grown-up 'child' is still mulling in their hurt feelings..letting it stew into bitterness. I have thought for a long time on the validity of  their continued "feelings" and I just cannot find a reason. I cannot find any other reason than the fact that they have not put away childish things. A child resents and holds a grudge because Mom or Dad said they could not go out to a rated R movie with their friends. But an adult...should we not forgive and move on?? Im far from innocent..I too have nursed hurts and held grudges..but at one point or another I realized that these are my parents...to be treasured because not only did they give me life, cared for me etc..but these are the parents that God gave to me, to be living examples of His love. And they are the only parents I will ever have. So the question is,.... do I want to spend my adulthood being bitter, nursing hurts, and keeping grudges, or do I want to put that childish behavior away. Pretty simple answer really. And now as a parent...I hope my children will feel the same when they are grown. Hmmm how to teach that one...

Mental Block..

Well I have been wanting to write for a while..but there really has not been much to write about. I think I force it...I think about it and im left with nothing. So I am just going to write.
Yesterday my previous pastor, dad of my dear friend whom I have known since high school..passed away. He has had ALS for over 3yrs though it took longer than a yr to diagnose what what initially wrong with him. Amazingly he got to outlive his prognosis by over 2yrs...in that time he got to see his middle child marry, and have his very first grandchild..and spend as much time as he could with his family and those who cared for him. I know it was hard on his family..caring for him around the clock..it would be hard on anyone..especially for so many years. I remember Scott as an amazingly tall soft spoken man who had a fondness for basketball and loved loved loved Jesus! He worked with Whatcom County fire fighters and went to help familes after their loved ones had passed away..to council and give support. He was a very kind and overall a great person. Its hard to see him go..but at the same time I know what a wonderful blessing it is for him. He was freed from his prison! And I know he was welcomed with open arms into Heaven!!
Heaven..I know without doubt that it is a place that now words can describe..simply put its definitely where I want to go. But that does not mean it doesnt freak me out. Its the unknown. Something I cannot even visualize or imagine for that matter. I wish I could peak somehow. I know I dont care nor do I ever even want to know what Hell is like!! That is too freaky by far. Guess id rather be freaked out by the unknown of Heaven than that of Hell..lol!
Well its time for a cupa. Chow!

High School...Ehh

Lately Ive been thinking about high school...there have been plans for a 15yr reunion. Sigh.. High school..was not my favorite. Yes..there were definitely some things I loved, like choir, and gymnastics..but otherwise. No. Thinking back to those days..I wonder what it is about H.S. in particular that we cannot let go of..whether it be good or bad. Why is it that we want to get together?? Is it truly to just catch up? Or is it simply to compare, measure up..find out if each person.. once weighed, and measured is found lacking..or not.

I was always the extremely short, a bit too hyper girl. I never fit into a specific niche. I was always shy and uncomfortable, silly and at times a bit to emotional. As is typical, all I ever wanted was to fit in. But I never really did. I have to laugh at so many of the things I did and said though...the silliness of the situations I thought were so dyer..the boys I thought I couldnt stand to live if they didnt notice me..hahaha! They never did. LOL!

I only got asked to once dance..and what absolutely sucked was that it was with a guy who was ohh lets say an entire me taller..lol. And the only reason he asked me was because he had a crush on a friend of mine. I basically spent the night sitting with him while he moped on the sidelines or dancing with a belly button. Ha! The only boys I did date..went to other high schools and I knew outside of good old BHS.

I had a few truly good friends though. A couple I am still very close with.. some I wonder where they have gone. Bob..where is Bob!? :) Others...I am ok with their friendships ending whenever they did. I do talk to some of my classmates thanks to Facebook..its nice and weird at the same time. Not sure what to make of it. I know some truly are interested in me as a person, some probably just have the friend request obligation, and others probably are curious but dont really care. I guess I could fall into all of those categories too..im not judging just relaying thoughts. :)

I have many good memories though..eating lunch in the lounge (was that what it was called..i cannot remember), spending time at Westerns Library (which turned out to be located at Bellis Fair and Birch Bay according to me and Joy W.), Getting a B in chem. from Pervy Mr. Fox when I was pretty sure I failed, Choir tours, Swing Choir, Gymnastic meets and turn outs. And Ill never forget those killer sandwiches..you could smell the fresh bread baking all day...by lunch time I was always so hungry just from smelling the bread I could not wait to eat. :) Such silly things to remember..lol!

I look at my wee ones..and I wonder what those days will be like for them. Will they be the ones dying to fit in..will they be popular, jocks, nerds, geeks..trouble makers. I hope that of all of those worries that the one thing they will be is true Christians that follow Jesus, love me and Jason and their siblings. I hope I can encourage them and help them to have confidence in themselves and that High School is truly not who you are as a person. High School is just a drop in a bucket of life and there are so many more wonderful and amazing things beyond those 4 years.

I wonder how many people think about high school and feel defined by it. :( I hope not many. I may not have been the cool girl, popular or otherwise..but im ok with that. Now anyway..haha maybe not so much then. Not sure I want to revisit those days of hormone imbalanced teens, popularity competition, gossip, fighting.....15 yr reunion..???

Our new house..

Well we finally moved. This has by far been the smoothest move ive ever had! I slowly moved stuff over..hung curtains..put up pics..and then this last Sunday we moved fully in. Ahhh its nice to be here. Its a small but cozy home. I truly like it a lot!! The landlords replaced the carpeting with a shag style..tan, brown, cream, with a faint green thread. Its beautiful and incorporated with the brown walls with the dk. chocolate brown accent..ahhh im loving it. All of the main rooms are unpacked..but we still need to unpack our bedroom and the study. I havent taken any pics yet..but when I do I will attach them.

Miscarrying a life long goal and dream..

My entire life I had wanted children. I babysat a ton of children..I was a nanny for 3yrs. The first time I got pregnant I was so excited!!!!!!! I took a pregnancy test and it was positive..but very faint. I called the dr. and immediately went in.

Negative. The pregnancy test was negative. I was shocked. I felt very very pregnant!! They sent me to have a blood draw. They called me the next day and my HCG was up! Yay!!!!! It was low though so just to be sure they sent me in to get another blood draw a week later. It went up but only minimally.

When I was 10wks I woke up one morning and discovered that I was bleeding. I was sick..shocked..upset..devastated. I could not believe that I was losing the baby I had always dreamed about.

I laid around all day in wait for my dr's appt. By the time I arrived I knew that I had already lost the baby. I was a wreck and the dr...though he was nice...was not very empathetic and escaped the room as soon as he could. The nurse gave me an awkward hug and left. I went home and cried and grieved. The next few days were very rough. :(

My miscarriage was actually very easy. It was never painful or hard and did not last long. The one hard aspect was I did not pass the baby until a month after the actual miscarriage. I was at my brother Bills house in Lynwood. It was his wife's birthday. They had an odd set up in that the bathroom was just through a pocket door right off of the living/dining room. All of the company for the party was right there..and here I was all alone going through something awful. I had no choice but to pretend nothing happened. I hardly knew most of the people that were there.

After the miscarriage I kinda didnt know what to do with myself so we decided to stop trying to have a baby and just focus on healing. That Thanksgiving was very hard. My sister had had a baby as did my sister in law..my other sister in law was pregnant so that is all that they talked about while in the front living room. I felt as if I was cornered.  It was hard to be around a bunch of women that talked about having babies and far from enjoyable to sit with the boys while they watched football. So I spent most of my time in the kitchen helping my mom and trying to keep my emotions under control.

Little did I know..a couple of weeks later I would discover that I was in fact pregnant and was pregnant during my emotional Thanksgiving. It was such a blessing. In the face of loss and hurt God chose to bless Jason and I with another pregnancy..and in the end...a beautiful and healthy baby boy!

Elliot Adam Lewis

Elliot my first wonderful beautiful baby!!!! His pregnancy was believe it or not a surprise..we had had a miscarriage 2 months prior and after one year of trying thought it would be best to just quit trying and breathe. Well wouldnt ya know..God had much much better plans!!!

Jason had just left to go play basketball..I was pretty sure I knew what was going on and fairly flew to Fred Meyers and bought a box or maybe it was 2 boxes (4 tests). Now with my first pregnancy my first test was faint but positive, negative at the dr.'s office, but lab results were positive. So given all that I was very nervous it would be the same thing. My symptoms were sooo much subtler than the first pregnancy so I figured it wasnt going to last. But man that + sign flew up so fast it was shocking and bold!!! +++++ you are finally Prego and this is the real deal. I took 2 that night and 2 more the next morning all were positive. Jason was soooo speculative..he wouldnt believe it until he could ''see''it.

I called right away and got in! PTL it was positive even at the dr's office!!!

Elliots pregnancy was fine..we had a brief scare of Placenta Previa but by the time I went back in it had corrected it self. We went to the birthing class...bought all our necessities, picked his name, planned his nursery..we were so very very excited! I was a huge bowling ball!!!! I had enough amniotic fluid for almost 3 babies!! If Elliot rolled my skin was sooo tight it hurt. But it was all worth it. Because of the amniotic fluid levels they had to induce me so that I would be in a controlled and safe setting in case his cord prolapsed.

Induction day was so exciting. Went in, got prepped and set to go with Pitocin, and waited. It did not take long..before I knew it it was hurting. I quickly ordered my epidural..then just laid around and waited..and waited. By 9 that night it was time to push. I pushed for over 3hrs and nothing. :( They decided I had to have a C-Section. I was exhausted, upset, and very disappointed. I wanted a normal birth not surgery!!!

Surgery went well and before we knew it our sweet baby was hollering!!!! He looked just like Jason. Jason said over and over and over that he had his personal mini me. It was cute..and well annoying after a while, 'cuz well I carried him in his own olympic sized swimming pool for 9 months for crying out loud. lol! Nothing in this world could have prepared us for the exhaustion, joy, misery, love...that this small little mo-hawked baby could bring us. He was amazing, and still is!

My Sweet Ruby

Well it doesn't seem fair to post about one child without posting about the rest..So here goes one for my Ruby.

Ruby was a shocker!! Elliot was 5mo. old when I discovered that we were once again pregnant. There was joy with that knowledge..but there was also some trepidation as to whether or not I was going to be able to be pregnant while caring for a baby and have two children so close together. One of the best blessings of Ruby's pregnancy was that it was easy and uncomplicated. The easiest of all three pregnancies.

On October 5th 2006 I was feeling contractions and they were coming fairly regularly, I got tired and figured if it was the real deal then I would wake up during the night. I really really didnt want to though as my baby shower was the next day. I woke up and felt fine but just to be sure Id make it to my baby shower that evening I laid on the couch or the floor almost all day and played with Elliot. That night I had my shower and it was filled with contractions but still no baby. The following morning my Mother and Sister in-law left and went home to Twisp. That day I cleaned..ran around..had cup after cup of cinnamon stick tea, and ate a ton of spicy salsa...bring on this baby!!

2:00 am: woke up to contractions..they were actually part of my dream. I got up..and started pacing. This felt very very real..I woke up Jason, but he did not believe me. I timed them, and they were about 3 min. apart. I called the hospital, called my mom to have her come watch Elliot, changed the bed sheets for my mom, and packed my bag. I then woke up Elliot and played with him for a while before I left. Once my mom arrived at 3am I was in a lot of pain.

3:30 am: We arrived at the hospital. Thankfully they brought me in right away! I was very obviously in labor so they got me in my gown and started getting me hooked up. One major unfortunate thing is that im a very very hard stick..two nurses were working on one arm each and neither of them could get a line in. It was soooooooo frustrating as I was having very painful contractions but I couldn't support myself by curling up since they were busy poking away at my arms. I was seconds away from chewing them out when one of them finally got a line in the crook of my elbow..fyi..worlds worst spot to have an IV!

My sister Erin arrived around 4am..cute, hair done, make up on as usual. She was so much fun to have in the room with us. Not only was she helpful but she was fun and funny..keeping me laughing. When they checked me I was a 10! But the baby was still very high up and I had to labor down before I could start pushing. I got my epidural and my internal monitor (since her delivery was a VBAC). It was frustrating since my epidural was uneven they would not let me roll to my left side. I really felt like I needed to and that that would help the baby turn and drop so that I could start pushing. Finally, my epidural got even enough that they let me switch sides and wouldn't you know..miss Ruby dropped and I was finally allowed to push.

7:30 am: the drama begins! I began pushing..but did not seem to have much support from my dr. and my nurse..they didn't seem to think I would be able to actually have a VBAC. No nurse attended to me during pushing which I felt was odd since at Elliots delivery a nurse was there the entire time. I pushed so hard that even my catheter came out, and Jason had to go get a nurse. At almost 9:30 am. I began to feel a lot of pressure, the nurse happened to stop in and I let her know. She left..?? The next thing I new the baby was crowning and I was in a lot of pain! I couldn't get my nurses button to work, so Jason ran out of the room in search of someone and my sister was yelling for help, as I was yelling ow ow OW!!! Nurses and Dr. Mallory swamped my room..I was in pain and they were prepping as quickly as I could and laughing...well let me tell you, when you are in pain in your "hoo hoo" you don't want to hear laughing..you want to help you end the pain by getting that baby OUT!!! Finally Dr. Mallory sat down and was coaching me when to push and Ruby was born!!!

I got to hold my sweet baby on my chest and hear her first cries!! The most wonderful experience in my life..deliver my child the way God intended it! No surgery!!!!

Unfortunately, because I was not cared for by a nurse I tore very very badly and needed a ton of stitches...but really it was all very well worth having my sweet baby girl! Ruby Lillian 7Lbs 6oz!

My Miracle baby girl!

Over 14 months ago I had my sweet baby Scarlet. Looking at her its so overwhelming and amazing how much she has grown and changed, who knew time could fly so quickly?

17 months ago I was on bed rest..laying on my couch..looking out the window at fall as it slowly appeared. My sister in-law Becky was babysitting me and my children, as I was not allowed to be alone, and couldnt take care of the kids. There was an hour before the next "babysitter" showed up..I felt fine and was going to let her go early as I knew the kids would just hang out with me. Before she left I used the restroom..only to discover blood. I quickly called my dr. and had my sister Erin come and pick me up, and take me to L&D at the hospital. Once there I was admitted and quickly informed that I would not be going anywhere anytime soon. I was not even allowed to use the restroom..had to use one of those old lady portable toilets next to the bed...can anyone say lack of privacy!!!

There was some dispute between two of the doctors from BOGA one thought I was 35 wks along..one thought I was 36wks. But they decided to go along with the 36wk and scheduled my c-section for a week away. After about 3 days I was finally allowed to sit in the tub and take a shower very very quickly. Thank the Lord. My Mother in-Law came and helped take care of the kiddos..and Jason brought me a ton of stuff for me to work on (crafts/books) and comfy jammies.

It was very very boring but overall not too bad. I got very sick of the bland boring salad and asked for fruit instead..for some reason they decided that that meant I did not want dessert either and just started giving me cups of pineapple at every single meal. Yuck!!!!!! After a few days my hormones took over and I started bawling to my MIL one night..I was so upset that all I ever got was pineapple and darn it..this pregnant woman wanted her desserts. Ahhh after that..I got dessert for ever single meal!!!!!!!!!!!

The day before my scheduled C-Section I apparently went into labor. Dr. Mallory came in and woke me up.."saying baby wants to be their birthday" this truly made no sense to me..not to mention that I was so completely out of it from sleeping. I was informed that I would be having a C-Section that evening but before noon I was in pain and starting to feel the contractions. They quickly moved up my surgery and the anesthesiologist came in to explain all of the risks etc...I was all alone, Jason was at work..my mom was at work and the Anesthesiologist was telling me very scary information. About how I could die if I started bleed out, how he would have to put me under if I did start to bleed out etc..it went on for quite a while..at this point I was an emotional wreck! I was doing all I could to stop myself from bawling. The nurse was too busy keeping track of my contractions to give me any comfort.

Then the poking began..I am an awful stick!! When I originally came in it took another anesthesiologist over 11 tries to get a line in me. This guy was new to my veins...I warned him but he didnt seem to believe me. He stuck many many times..I did not count this time..he was very frustrated. He finally gave up and called in the PIC nurse. She got a line in me..that unfortunately blew before the actual surgery began. After Jason and my Mom arrived they got me together and took me into surgery. That too was a very long and scary experience (the prepping that is). It took a long time for the spinal.....once that was all said and done they started to put in my arterial line in my wrist. That hurt like Hades and of course took a very long time...I still have a scar from that to this day. As I was laying there..arms akimbo...a couple people working on my arterial line...two nurses matching up bags of blood to the bracelet on my wrist and at the same time Dr's prepping my very exposed body for surgery. I was a wreck!!!! I was crying..but thankfully the assisting Dr. saw my emotion and brought attention to me. After that I had a nurse petting me and helping to calm my fears as I waited for them to allow Jason to come in.

Once Jason was in they started the surgery. My spinal was uneven so I was in pain..they had to pump me full of narcotics so that I could get through the surgery. It all went very well..Miss Scarlet was born healthy and squawking away. After she was delivered they discovered that her cord went straight into the side of the placenta and directly into the top of my Cervix. She was a lucky lucky baby to even be alive. After she was born I was laying there in my drugged out stupor waiting for them to finish up. I was staring up at the light listening to baby cries, when all of the sudden blood just spatters everywhere..all over the light above me, all over my face and even onto Jason. In that small brief moment I was paralyzed with fear...it was the end. I knew very well that I could bleed out and die..I had even signed a waiver saying they could perform a Hysterectomy if need be. I thought this was the beginning of hell..as I stared in fear..the assisting Dr. quickly looked over the draping at me and started yelling..that was just me..I cut the cord you are ok. WHEW!!!!!!!!

I could not believe it..they got me out of the OR and into recovery where I laid with my sweet baby Scarlet..all the months of fear and worry were over..here she was healthy and in my arms. I was alive and oh so happy..even if slightly drugged out still. :) God was good and we were sooo blessed!

Lazy Dazy

Well I have been told that ive been lazy for not blogging for so long, and that im being silly in saying that I have not been inspired by anything..so thus I have not written. So guess I will write one. :) Update on the Smith-Hood...we found a new place to rent. The first time we looked at it, I could not imagine renting it. Blech!! The carpet was so stained it was disgusting..the landlord said it had been cleaned, but I did not believe it one bit! The walls were filthy and they had sooooooooooooooo much spackle on them that it could not imagine looking at them everyday. WE left..enough said. The next day Jason and I were talking and we thought that maybe on a longshot I would email the landlords and see if they would be willing, not only to put in new carpet, but to paint. Amazingly enough, they agreed. She even had me over to help choose the paint colors. So I have been painting...aaand painting...aaaannd painting. whew! I dont think I had any idea what I was signing up for. I have less than a week left before the carpet is laid and I still have 4 rooms and the rest of the hall just to get the first coat on..then I have to do all of the second coats. Whew!!!!! We take possession of the house on the 15th and then we will slowly move in over the next month.  Im excited and wary...we still need to find some way to fence in the back yard as it goes right into the alley way...eek with a 3 and 4yr old...and a soon to be walking one year old. So there!! Sassypants!! there is your update. hehe.

moving moving moving..

ok..so the time has come..we need to find a place to move to. I have moved soooo many times. Its hard because I want to move to a home...a house..here in Lynden, not an apartment or a condo. But I fear it will end up being an apartment. EWWW! with 3 kids..are you kidding me! But you know...its just to get Jason through school. We can do this..we can do this..we can do this...so anyone know of a place???????? Poo!

Answered prayers!

1. Finally!!!!!! After almost 12 weeks of unemployment Jason was able to get through to unemployment and finally figure out why after so long they have not sent us a check! Thank you Jesus for all of the gifts of love...they kept us afloat! One of the best parts of Jason's phone call to unemployment was that he escalated Jason's application for the CAT program. This program would allow Jason to stay at home and finish up his degree. If he is able to do that..instead of 3+ yrs to finish his degree it would only take 1.5. That would be the best thing for us!! Not only would our student loan debt be down, he could get a better job so much sooner! We will know very soon!! Im praying my knee caps off!!! :)
   

Frustrations...

Herumph..lol! I am sooo tired of dealing with weight issues. Im sticking to a healthy eating lifestyle..counting calories..working out (maybe not a ton on the working out yet but ill get there) I hate that this is my one thing. Some people dont like their nose, or dont like their feet..whatever. I hate that my weight has been a constant issue. I hate that I have to work so hard to lose, I hate that it doesnt come natural to me, I hate that I hate this. lol! I sound like a spoiled little brat. Sigh. Venting though, its good for me. And honestly the fact that im even willing to put this out there...is pretty amazing. No one wants to admit that they have a weight problem..but come on..one look at me and its pretty freaking obvious!! I cannot lie to myself..I know my size..I know what I look like without clothing on. Sure there are issues with me..that yes make it hard to lose, but I cant use that as a crutch..I just have to keep on keeping on. Dont eat this..dont eat that..you might die Rachel...not to mention that you will never ever feel good about yourself Rachel.  Not only that..but in our culture, if you have a problem with your weight..lets not say it that way..if youre heavy, fat, chubby.....lol!..well then if you are one of those nasty little words you can see and feel the dissaproval that vibrates off of people..mainly people that "love" and care for you. Whether it be friends or family..you are an elephant in the room. They wont broach the subject..which lets admit...if they do..they will most likely find some way to offend and hurt your feelings...but its still there. Somehow you dont measure up..man my words just keep punning away..lol...Then if you watch shows like Biggest Loser it must be because of some underlying mental/emotional issue. Damaged goods in one way or another. But good for you for overcoming those life issues and becoming healthy. Healthy..that is where I want to be..thin..that is so where I want to be. How acheivable..I dont know. I will keep on..doing what im doing..writing it all down..measuring, avoiding, sweating..and I know I will see progress. I know God is here working along with me..and I realize I have to wake up every single day and pray. Pray for His strength to get through the day. Is that weird..weird that I trust and have Faith that God will help me achieve such a silly and small thing as weight loss, not eating sweets and bad things?? Well I dont think so...but in the big picture it sure seems small. Oh well..this is life..take it or leave it. Its mine and its who I am. There is no finding who I am in all of this either..I am who I am..there are no layers. Im not an onion. :) Just me...and I like me, struggles and all.  Side note..I really dont think anyone can "find themselves" what a crazy thing to think..and frankly to look for. You are right there. How can you look for someone who is right there..your soul, your mind, your body, your values, your core beliefs. We are who we are when we are who we are..if that makes sense. We grow and change by the grace of God..there..at least in my mind..is no finding yourself..youre already there. lol! Ok enough confusing thoughts of my mind poured out onto this keyboard..:)