Mental Block..

Well I have been wanting to write for a while..but there really has not been much to write about. I think I force it...I think about it and im left with nothing. So I am just going to write.
Yesterday my previous pastor, dad of my dear friend whom I have known since high school..passed away. He has had ALS for over 3yrs though it took longer than a yr to diagnose what what initially wrong with him. Amazingly he got to outlive his prognosis by over 2yrs...in that time he got to see his middle child marry, and have his very first grandchild..and spend as much time as he could with his family and those who cared for him. I know it was hard on his family..caring for him around the clock..it would be hard on anyone..especially for so many years. I remember Scott as an amazingly tall soft spoken man who had a fondness for basketball and loved loved loved Jesus! He worked with Whatcom County fire fighters and went to help familes after their loved ones had passed away..to council and give support. He was a very kind and overall a great person. Its hard to see him go..but at the same time I know what a wonderful blessing it is for him. He was freed from his prison! And I know he was welcomed with open arms into Heaven!!
Heaven..I know without doubt that it is a place that now words can describe..simply put its definitely where I want to go. But that does not mean it doesnt freak me out. Its the unknown. Something I cannot even visualize or imagine for that matter. I wish I could peak somehow. I know I dont care nor do I ever even want to know what Hell is like!! That is too freaky by far. Guess id rather be freaked out by the unknown of Heaven than that of Hell..lol!
Well its time for a cupa. Chow!

High School...Ehh

Lately Ive been thinking about high school...there have been plans for a 15yr reunion. Sigh.. High school..was not my favorite. Yes..there were definitely some things I loved, like choir, and gymnastics..but otherwise. No. Thinking back to those days..I wonder what it is about H.S. in particular that we cannot let go of..whether it be good or bad. Why is it that we want to get together?? Is it truly to just catch up? Or is it simply to compare, measure up..find out if each person.. once weighed, and measured is found lacking..or not.

I was always the extremely short, a bit too hyper girl. I never fit into a specific niche. I was always shy and uncomfortable, silly and at times a bit to emotional. As is typical, all I ever wanted was to fit in. But I never really did. I have to laugh at so many of the things I did and said though...the silliness of the situations I thought were so dyer..the boys I thought I couldnt stand to live if they didnt notice me..hahaha! They never did. LOL!

I only got asked to once dance..and what absolutely sucked was that it was with a guy who was ohh lets say an entire me taller..lol. And the only reason he asked me was because he had a crush on a friend of mine. I basically spent the night sitting with him while he moped on the sidelines or dancing with a belly button. Ha! The only boys I did date..went to other high schools and I knew outside of good old BHS.

I had a few truly good friends though. A couple I am still very close with.. some I wonder where they have gone. Bob..where is Bob!? :) Others...I am ok with their friendships ending whenever they did. I do talk to some of my classmates thanks to Facebook..its nice and weird at the same time. Not sure what to make of it. I know some truly are interested in me as a person, some probably just have the friend request obligation, and others probably are curious but dont really care. I guess I could fall into all of those categories too..im not judging just relaying thoughts. :)

I have many good memories though..eating lunch in the lounge (was that what it was called..i cannot remember), spending time at Westerns Library (which turned out to be located at Bellis Fair and Birch Bay according to me and Joy W.), Getting a B in chem. from Pervy Mr. Fox when I was pretty sure I failed, Choir tours, Swing Choir, Gymnastic meets and turn outs. And Ill never forget those killer sandwiches..you could smell the fresh bread baking all day...by lunch time I was always so hungry just from smelling the bread I could not wait to eat. :) Such silly things to remember..lol!

I look at my wee ones..and I wonder what those days will be like for them. Will they be the ones dying to fit in..will they be popular, jocks, nerds, geeks..trouble makers. I hope that of all of those worries that the one thing they will be is true Christians that follow Jesus, love me and Jason and their siblings. I hope I can encourage them and help them to have confidence in themselves and that High School is truly not who you are as a person. High School is just a drop in a bucket of life and there are so many more wonderful and amazing things beyond those 4 years.

I wonder how many people think about high school and feel defined by it. :( I hope not many. I may not have been the cool girl, popular or otherwise..but im ok with that. Now anyway..haha maybe not so much then. Not sure I want to revisit those days of hormone imbalanced teens, popularity competition, gossip, fighting.....15 yr reunion..???

Our new house..

Well we finally moved. This has by far been the smoothest move ive ever had! I slowly moved stuff over..hung curtains..put up pics..and then this last Sunday we moved fully in. Ahhh its nice to be here. Its a small but cozy home. I truly like it a lot!! The landlords replaced the carpeting with a shag style..tan, brown, cream, with a faint green thread. Its beautiful and incorporated with the brown walls with the dk. chocolate brown accent..ahhh im loving it. All of the main rooms are unpacked..but we still need to unpack our bedroom and the study. I havent taken any pics yet..but when I do I will attach them.

Miscarrying a life long goal and dream..

My entire life I had wanted children. I babysat a ton of children..I was a nanny for 3yrs. The first time I got pregnant I was so excited!!!!!!! I took a pregnancy test and it was positive..but very faint. I called the dr. and immediately went in.

Negative. The pregnancy test was negative. I was shocked. I felt very very pregnant!! They sent me to have a blood draw. They called me the next day and my HCG was up! Yay!!!!! It was low though so just to be sure they sent me in to get another blood draw a week later. It went up but only minimally.

When I was 10wks I woke up one morning and discovered that I was bleeding. I was sick..shocked..upset..devastated. I could not believe that I was losing the baby I had always dreamed about.

I laid around all day in wait for my dr's appt. By the time I arrived I knew that I had already lost the baby. I was a wreck and the dr...though he was nice...was not very empathetic and escaped the room as soon as he could. The nurse gave me an awkward hug and left. I went home and cried and grieved. The next few days were very rough. :(

My miscarriage was actually very easy. It was never painful or hard and did not last long. The one hard aspect was I did not pass the baby until a month after the actual miscarriage. I was at my brother Bills house in Lynwood. It was his wife's birthday. They had an odd set up in that the bathroom was just through a pocket door right off of the living/dining room. All of the company for the party was right there..and here I was all alone going through something awful. I had no choice but to pretend nothing happened. I hardly knew most of the people that were there.

After the miscarriage I kinda didnt know what to do with myself so we decided to stop trying to have a baby and just focus on healing. That Thanksgiving was very hard. My sister had had a baby as did my sister in law..my other sister in law was pregnant so that is all that they talked about while in the front living room. I felt as if I was cornered.  It was hard to be around a bunch of women that talked about having babies and far from enjoyable to sit with the boys while they watched football. So I spent most of my time in the kitchen helping my mom and trying to keep my emotions under control.

Little did I know..a couple of weeks later I would discover that I was in fact pregnant and was pregnant during my emotional Thanksgiving. It was such a blessing. In the face of loss and hurt God chose to bless Jason and I with another pregnancy..and in the end...a beautiful and healthy baby boy!

Elliot Adam Lewis

Elliot my first wonderful beautiful baby!!!! His pregnancy was believe it or not a surprise..we had had a miscarriage 2 months prior and after one year of trying thought it would be best to just quit trying and breathe. Well wouldnt ya know..God had much much better plans!!!

Jason had just left to go play basketball..I was pretty sure I knew what was going on and fairly flew to Fred Meyers and bought a box or maybe it was 2 boxes (4 tests). Now with my first pregnancy my first test was faint but positive, negative at the dr.'s office, but lab results were positive. So given all that I was very nervous it would be the same thing. My symptoms were sooo much subtler than the first pregnancy so I figured it wasnt going to last. But man that + sign flew up so fast it was shocking and bold!!! +++++ you are finally Prego and this is the real deal. I took 2 that night and 2 more the next morning all were positive. Jason was soooo speculative..he wouldnt believe it until he could ''see''it.

I called right away and got in! PTL it was positive even at the dr's office!!!

Elliots pregnancy was fine..we had a brief scare of Placenta Previa but by the time I went back in it had corrected it self. We went to the birthing class...bought all our necessities, picked his name, planned his nursery..we were so very very excited! I was a huge bowling ball!!!! I had enough amniotic fluid for almost 3 babies!! If Elliot rolled my skin was sooo tight it hurt. But it was all worth it. Because of the amniotic fluid levels they had to induce me so that I would be in a controlled and safe setting in case his cord prolapsed.

Induction day was so exciting. Went in, got prepped and set to go with Pitocin, and waited. It did not take long..before I knew it it was hurting. I quickly ordered my epidural..then just laid around and waited..and waited. By 9 that night it was time to push. I pushed for over 3hrs and nothing. :( They decided I had to have a C-Section. I was exhausted, upset, and very disappointed. I wanted a normal birth not surgery!!!

Surgery went well and before we knew it our sweet baby was hollering!!!! He looked just like Jason. Jason said over and over and over that he had his personal mini me. It was cute..and well annoying after a while, 'cuz well I carried him in his own olympic sized swimming pool for 9 months for crying out loud. lol! Nothing in this world could have prepared us for the exhaustion, joy, misery, love...that this small little mo-hawked baby could bring us. He was amazing, and still is!

My Sweet Ruby

Well it doesn't seem fair to post about one child without posting about the rest..So here goes one for my Ruby.

Ruby was a shocker!! Elliot was 5mo. old when I discovered that we were once again pregnant. There was joy with that knowledge..but there was also some trepidation as to whether or not I was going to be able to be pregnant while caring for a baby and have two children so close together. One of the best blessings of Ruby's pregnancy was that it was easy and uncomplicated. The easiest of all three pregnancies.

On October 5th 2006 I was feeling contractions and they were coming fairly regularly, I got tired and figured if it was the real deal then I would wake up during the night. I really really didnt want to though as my baby shower was the next day. I woke up and felt fine but just to be sure Id make it to my baby shower that evening I laid on the couch or the floor almost all day and played with Elliot. That night I had my shower and it was filled with contractions but still no baby. The following morning my Mother and Sister in-law left and went home to Twisp. That day I cleaned..ran around..had cup after cup of cinnamon stick tea, and ate a ton of spicy salsa...bring on this baby!!

2:00 am: woke up to contractions..they were actually part of my dream. I got up..and started pacing. This felt very very real..I woke up Jason, but he did not believe me. I timed them, and they were about 3 min. apart. I called the hospital, called my mom to have her come watch Elliot, changed the bed sheets for my mom, and packed my bag. I then woke up Elliot and played with him for a while before I left. Once my mom arrived at 3am I was in a lot of pain.

3:30 am: We arrived at the hospital. Thankfully they brought me in right away! I was very obviously in labor so they got me in my gown and started getting me hooked up. One major unfortunate thing is that im a very very hard stick..two nurses were working on one arm each and neither of them could get a line in. It was soooooooo frustrating as I was having very painful contractions but I couldn't support myself by curling up since they were busy poking away at my arms. I was seconds away from chewing them out when one of them finally got a line in the crook of my elbow..fyi..worlds worst spot to have an IV!

My sister Erin arrived around 4am..cute, hair done, make up on as usual. She was so much fun to have in the room with us. Not only was she helpful but she was fun and funny..keeping me laughing. When they checked me I was a 10! But the baby was still very high up and I had to labor down before I could start pushing. I got my epidural and my internal monitor (since her delivery was a VBAC). It was frustrating since my epidural was uneven they would not let me roll to my left side. I really felt like I needed to and that that would help the baby turn and drop so that I could start pushing. Finally, my epidural got even enough that they let me switch sides and wouldn't you know..miss Ruby dropped and I was finally allowed to push.

7:30 am: the drama begins! I began pushing..but did not seem to have much support from my dr. and my nurse..they didn't seem to think I would be able to actually have a VBAC. No nurse attended to me during pushing which I felt was odd since at Elliots delivery a nurse was there the entire time. I pushed so hard that even my catheter came out, and Jason had to go get a nurse. At almost 9:30 am. I began to feel a lot of pressure, the nurse happened to stop in and I let her know. She left..?? The next thing I new the baby was crowning and I was in a lot of pain! I couldn't get my nurses button to work, so Jason ran out of the room in search of someone and my sister was yelling for help, as I was yelling ow ow OW!!! Nurses and Dr. Mallory swamped my room..I was in pain and they were prepping as quickly as I could and laughing...well let me tell you, when you are in pain in your "hoo hoo" you don't want to hear laughing..you want to help you end the pain by getting that baby OUT!!! Finally Dr. Mallory sat down and was coaching me when to push and Ruby was born!!!

I got to hold my sweet baby on my chest and hear her first cries!! The most wonderful experience in my life..deliver my child the way God intended it! No surgery!!!!

Unfortunately, because I was not cared for by a nurse I tore very very badly and needed a ton of stitches...but really it was all very well worth having my sweet baby girl! Ruby Lillian 7Lbs 6oz!

My Miracle baby girl!

Over 14 months ago I had my sweet baby Scarlet. Looking at her its so overwhelming and amazing how much she has grown and changed, who knew time could fly so quickly?

17 months ago I was on bed rest..laying on my couch..looking out the window at fall as it slowly appeared. My sister in-law Becky was babysitting me and my children, as I was not allowed to be alone, and couldnt take care of the kids. There was an hour before the next "babysitter" showed up..I felt fine and was going to let her go early as I knew the kids would just hang out with me. Before she left I used the restroom..only to discover blood. I quickly called my dr. and had my sister Erin come and pick me up, and take me to L&D at the hospital. Once there I was admitted and quickly informed that I would not be going anywhere anytime soon. I was not even allowed to use the restroom..had to use one of those old lady portable toilets next to the bed...can anyone say lack of privacy!!!

There was some dispute between two of the doctors from BOGA one thought I was 35 wks along..one thought I was 36wks. But they decided to go along with the 36wk and scheduled my c-section for a week away. After about 3 days I was finally allowed to sit in the tub and take a shower very very quickly. Thank the Lord. My Mother in-Law came and helped take care of the kiddos..and Jason brought me a ton of stuff for me to work on (crafts/books) and comfy jammies.

It was very very boring but overall not too bad. I got very sick of the bland boring salad and asked for fruit instead..for some reason they decided that that meant I did not want dessert either and just started giving me cups of pineapple at every single meal. Yuck!!!!!! After a few days my hormones took over and I started bawling to my MIL one night..I was so upset that all I ever got was pineapple and darn it..this pregnant woman wanted her desserts. Ahhh after that..I got dessert for ever single meal!!!!!!!!!!!

The day before my scheduled C-Section I apparently went into labor. Dr. Mallory came in and woke me up.."saying baby wants to be their birthday" this truly made no sense to me..not to mention that I was so completely out of it from sleeping. I was informed that I would be having a C-Section that evening but before noon I was in pain and starting to feel the contractions. They quickly moved up my surgery and the anesthesiologist came in to explain all of the risks etc...I was all alone, Jason was at work..my mom was at work and the Anesthesiologist was telling me very scary information. About how I could die if I started bleed out, how he would have to put me under if I did start to bleed out etc..it went on for quite a while..at this point I was an emotional wreck! I was doing all I could to stop myself from bawling. The nurse was too busy keeping track of my contractions to give me any comfort.

Then the poking began..I am an awful stick!! When I originally came in it took another anesthesiologist over 11 tries to get a line in me. This guy was new to my veins...I warned him but he didnt seem to believe me. He stuck many many times..I did not count this time..he was very frustrated. He finally gave up and called in the PIC nurse. She got a line in me..that unfortunately blew before the actual surgery began. After Jason and my Mom arrived they got me together and took me into surgery. That too was a very long and scary experience (the prepping that is). It took a long time for the spinal.....once that was all said and done they started to put in my arterial line in my wrist. That hurt like Hades and of course took a very long time...I still have a scar from that to this day. As I was laying there..arms akimbo...a couple people working on my arterial line...two nurses matching up bags of blood to the bracelet on my wrist and at the same time Dr's prepping my very exposed body for surgery. I was a wreck!!!! I was crying..but thankfully the assisting Dr. saw my emotion and brought attention to me. After that I had a nurse petting me and helping to calm my fears as I waited for them to allow Jason to come in.

Once Jason was in they started the surgery. My spinal was uneven so I was in pain..they had to pump me full of narcotics so that I could get through the surgery. It all went very well..Miss Scarlet was born healthy and squawking away. After she was delivered they discovered that her cord went straight into the side of the placenta and directly into the top of my Cervix. She was a lucky lucky baby to even be alive. After she was born I was laying there in my drugged out stupor waiting for them to finish up. I was staring up at the light listening to baby cries, when all of the sudden blood just spatters everywhere..all over the light above me, all over my face and even onto Jason. In that small brief moment I was paralyzed with fear...it was the end. I knew very well that I could bleed out and die..I had even signed a waiver saying they could perform a Hysterectomy if need be. I thought this was the beginning of hell..as I stared in fear..the assisting Dr. quickly looked over the draping at me and started yelling..that was just me..I cut the cord you are ok. WHEW!!!!!!!!

I could not believe it..they got me out of the OR and into recovery where I laid with my sweet baby Scarlet..all the months of fear and worry were over..here she was healthy and in my arms. I was alive and oh so happy..even if slightly drugged out still. :) God was good and we were sooo blessed!